Perfect Shouldn't Equal Love

A few weeks ago, as I was getting ready for work, I heard a tease for a story on The Today Show. A mother was proclaiming that she never liked her child. An expletive came out of my mouth and wondered how a mother could ever feel this way. I had to leave before the story came on the television, but never forgot the haunting words that the mother had uttered.

Last week, I came across the essay that the mother wrote and was published in Redbook. I was horrified as I read it and felt many emotions as the mother went on and on about how her daughter Sophie never lived up to her expectations. From day one, it seemed as though Sophie was a failure.

I always thought this time -- when you finally meet your child and fall head over heels in love with them -- would be one of the best moments in your life. Clearly, it was just the opposite for Sophie's mother.

The mother says that her relationship with her daughter wasn't the type she had always read about, saw in movies or had friends experience. It made me wonder how our expectations of such a mother-daughter relationship emerge and what continues to let them grow and flourish over the years.

I don't know how, I don't know when, but somewhere I had an expectation of how my and my mother's relationship would be. At a young age, I pictured us sharing secrets, shopping together until we dropped, her mending my broken heart and us being best friends. I believed that was the typical relationship you had with your mom. I expected it. I am not sure why, considering growing up I didn't even know a mother and daughter who modeled such a mother-daughter relationship. Yet still, I expected it. The dreamed up, perfect relationship with my mother never existed. I often wonder had I not expected that perfect relationship with mom, would our relationship then and now be any different?

I am a perfectionist. I have a type A personality. I see things in black and white and rarely in gray. I hate failure. I am super critical of myself and I always believe I can do better. I am not sure if these are learned behaviors. I am not sure if I acquired these traits from my mother, who often thinks and acts the same way. But I do know that I will try my very hardest not to inflict these perfectionist like behaviors and expectations on my own children. They won't have to be perfect. Straight As won't be a requirement. It's ok if they are different. Heck, I will welcome their individuality. I want them to be their own people, not ones I dreamed up or expected.

At the end of the article, it seems as if the mother had begun to accept Sophie now that a diagnosis was made. There were reasons why Sophie was the way she was. But, I still don't get the sense that the mother likes or even loves Sophie. It seems as if she just tolerates her. I can never imagine just tolerating your child. And I wonder had not a diagnosis been made, would the mother still be drastically disappointed as Sophie went through life doing things to her own beat of a drum.

As adults, as parents, I don't think we should expect our children to be perfect or be as successful as their siblings. I hope that Sophie doesn't ever know the resentment and disappointment her mother felt to her. Though, I am guessing that is impossible and in the long run, Sophie might suffer. I hope that no other child has to be so perfect and live up to unrealistic and unachievable expectations just to be liked and loved by their parents.