What’s The Right Level of Praise?

The Washington Post reports that teachers are no longer going to praise kids for showing up and making a minimal effort, saying “a growing body of research over three decades shows that easy, unearned praise does not help students but instead interferes with significant learning opportunities.”

To which middle-class, middle-aged parents everywhere say together: “DUH!”

Instead, the Post says schools mean now to encourage skills like “persistence.”

And we parents say: “ABOUT TIME!”

It’s especially to cut cute little toddlers too much slack. “Good job!” we shout admiringly each of the 50 times a preschooler walks up a slide.

The trick is hitting the right balance between the amount of struggle needed for our offspring to improve and grow and the appropriate praise due for a truly well done job.

I’ve learned the hard way that being too easy going has a downside. One of my children -- now perfect of course -- did not come easily to the idea of interrupting playing to use the toilet. After a urination incident in the dining room, I made it clear peeing outside the toilet was unacceptable.

Voila, toilet training was complete.

We’re having the same struggle now in washing dishes by hand. Let’s face it, everyone sometimes misses a bit of dried egg or cheese in the corner of a frittata pan or a bit of soap on the back of a baking dish. But my kids now -- when they wash -- object to my handing it back in a friendly way and saying, “Ooops, missed that. Can you try again?”

“SO MUCH CRITICISM!” one has been known to wail.

But is it good for the kid to do a sloppy job? My view is that the best reward is when they’re leaving the kitchen -- counters wiped and dishes washed -- and I can turn them around and point to the tidy, beautiful room and say,  “See, it looks great! And you did that!”

Now, the struggle we’re having is music practice. I remember practicing piano being pure drudgery. It was dull, repetitive and I rarely had a sense that I had played something beautiful or fun.

Since my kids crave parental approval, I try to sit with them during their violin, flute and saxophone practice or at least listen in. When they were starting out, I’d help them figure out how to read notes and play songs on piano to model them. Now, I mainly point out areas where they stumble repeatedly, and ask them to do those couple of bars 10 or 15 times. And I have favorite songs that I request they play, listening with unfeigned pleasure.

But I feel that they’re not making a needed transition to effective solo practice. Since they’re 10 and 11, it’s time for me to let them figure out they need to repeat the hard parts without my stepping in. It’s an issue that we’ll struggle with next.

Resolution Report: I made it to the gym and the swimming pool and lost a welcome two pounds, mainly by buying less from the vending machine at work. It’s slow but steady and I should look decent in a swim suit by Labor Day. I did not make it to the stretch class, sadly.

I did a stellar job of getting rid of my 15 items a week, dropping 80 books off at the library for their sale as well as a pile of oddball stuff at the beloved Pennyworth Shop. I did so well I’m giving myself credit for most of November as well as these two weeks. As for the garden, I did nothing. So final score is three out of five, which I’ll take since it’s all progress.

But maybe I’m being too easy on myself and should try harder. That could be what my kids -- tired of re-washing dishes -- might say.