PAC-Man Fever

Hey buddy, can you spare a dime?

Okay, maybe a dime isn’t enough. How about a crisp $10 bill? It’s still not much in this economy, but it’s a start. The way I figure it, if I get enough people to contribute to the cause, there’s a glimmer of hope on my financial horizon. 

I know what you’re thinking: “How degrading.”

Normally I’d agree with you, but I’ve noticed that those who aspire to hold, or hold-on-to, political office are doing the very same thing, albeit on a much larger scale and nobody blinks an eye. 

In the early stages of political campaigns for the 2012 elections, I see the money is already flowing in.

Mitt Romney got a gift of a cool million recently and that was just from just one of his fans. He must like him a lot.

President Barack Obama seems to be suddenly showing up in almost as many states as he did prior to winning the job. Coincidently, there's usually a Democratic fundraiser going on somewhere in town. You might argue that he’s just showing up to be polite, but I doubt it.

Of course, these generous donations don’t go directly to the candidates, for that would smack of undue influence. So, usually, some of the office-seeker’s pals form a Political Action Committee, or PAC, for the purpose of accepting donations on the candidate’s behalf. This method, supposedly negates the temptation to repay the generosity in political favors, once the candidate is elected. Right.

The generosity of corporations, special interest groups and well-heeled individuals is a quirky thing, however. The high-water mark of their largess seems to surface only every four years, or so. 

And, that’s why I have to figure out a way to cash in … um, I mean … welcome their support … sooner, rather than later.

The catch, I’ve discovered, is that I have to actually run for political office, which I hadn’t initially figured on, but why not? I know what you’re thinking: “Who’s going to vote for someone who’ll  get into office and probably mess everything up?” … like that’s never happened before. 

Anyway, I’m gearing up to at least consider a run for something or other. It doesn’t really matter to me which office I run for, as long as it means steady employment and a shot at people giving me … um, I mean … giving my PAC a few bucks. 

Actually, as long as my PAC's coffers are full, I don’t even feel the need to win. In fact, winning would only put added stress on my already hectic schedule, so I hope I won’t have to deal with it. 

Since no credible political party is likely to have me, I’ve decided to form my own. Though I’m not a big Tea Party fan, I do have to admit that they’ve come up with a snappy name and so I’m attempting to keep pace. 

I’m now the official and to this point, only, candidate representing the “Birthday Party.” Talk about snappy names. This one’s a natural. Take that you Tea-baggers!

I’ve begged … um, I mean … convinced several friends to head up a PAC committee to launder .. um, I mean … distribute any monetary donations that come their way and I have several suggestions as how to best gobble up my … um, I mean, their … funds. This is similar to playing PAC-MAN, except that this time, the game pays me!

I've even come up with an election campaign slogan: “Bite Back,“ which, unfortunately, I‘ve had to since jettison. Apparently it‘s considered a little too risqué for use on lawn signs.

My second choice is “Gimmee Back My Country,” which, I think, plays into today’s restless political climate while not sounding overly high-brow, which is exactly what I was aiming for. After all, look at what the “everyman” approach did for Mr. Brown. 

Name recognition may be a problem, However, I’ve come up with a scheme to not only get my name “out there“ but one which could possibly “pre-keep” a campaign promise to strengthen the economy, at the same time. Sometimes I amaze myself.

I’m planning to accept a generous donation from my own PAC committee (which, by the way, my nasty opponents are already referring to as the “Pack It In” committee) and use the money for a most-memorable marketing campaign.

Forget the media buys; I say “put the cash where it’ll do the most good.” To that end, I’m planning to send a crisp $10 bill to each potential voter. This, I believe, will immediately raise my popularity quotient, while helping to stimulating the economy. I, of course, expect absolutely nothing in return. That would smack of undue influence.

Admittedly,  I do run the risk of my competitors adopting a similar strategy, now that I’ve let the cat out of the bag. However, we, of the Birthday Party, try not let those things get to us.

“Always look on the bright side,” we say. We also say, “keep your face out of the cake”, but I’m not sure what that means.

In any event, whether I win or lose, it looks like some much-needed cash may be coming my way. I may hit the jackpot, via my Pack-It-In Committee non-binding, no favors required (ha, ha) contributions. Or, at the very least, I should find a crisp $10 bill in my mailbox, sent my way from some unethical idea-stealing opponent.

Either way, this updated version of PAC-MAN looks to be a win-win situation for me, my fellow-voters and even the economy.