Managing Your Child's Cell Phone Use

Do you remember a time when there was no such thing as a cell phone? When is the last time you saw a pay phone in Milton? Did you grow up sharing one landline with your family? If you’re at least in your thirties, you probably have a smile on your face as you contemplate these questions. If you remember the pre-cell phone era, then you probably realize that we have lost some rites of passage that once were critical to our family dynamics.

Talking on the phone was just as important to us old timers as it is to today’s kids. I remember getting so excited when the phone would ring, hoping it was for me. When I was about thirteen, I remember talking to my mom about receiving calls from girls. It wasn’t something I did willingly but since we only had one phone in our apartment, the chances of her not knowing who was calling and why was remote.  This reality led to some good discussions about relationships, expectations, and ground rules for such outside communication. In all honesty, I didn’t see it that way back then; I saw it more as an intrusion. But as I look back, I can now see how important it was for my mother to have some input into what her hormonal teen was up to when it came to the phone. Her rules were simple:

• No phone calls during dinner and after 9 P.M.
• No phone calls longer than an hour at a time. Her friends were quick to tell her if they tried to call and got a busy signal.
• When my friends called, they had to be respectful and courteous.
• If a girl called, she reserved the right to “talk to them”  before giving me the phone.

I learned early on not to have anyone call my house that didn’t know how to accept my mom’s rules. The rules were very similar when I called the homes of my friends. Everyone in my limited circle learned that people came first and technology came second. Without knowing it, we had all participated in a rite of passage that was spearheaded by the use of one of the greatest inventions ever, the telephone.

So where am I going with this? I’m certainly not suggesting that we turn back the clock and rip cell phones away from our kids. At this point, I couldn’t imagine a life without these nifty little devices. The benefits of cell phones far outweigh the negatives. Unfortunately, there is a downside; too many adults fail to discuss this technology and its proper use with their children. Children today need even more guidance and support with the use of these devices than we did in the “old” days. If you don’t know where to start, here are a few suggestions to help get you started:

• This may seem like common sense but make it clear that there is no phone use during dinner and/or family time. My wife and I have had to collect our kids’ phones before going into restaurants just to get our point across.
• Set an acceptable time limit for speaking on the phone that you both can live with. We have so little time with our children as it is; you don't want that time eaten up by cell phone use.
• If your child is already receiving calls from possible suitors, have an open discussion about how to handle these communications. This includes: obsessive communication, sending or receiving inappropriate messages, harassment, crank calling, bullying, and sexting.
• No phone calls or texts after a certain hour. After reviewing my teen’s phone records, I realized that she regularly received texts well after midnight during the school week. If this becomes a problem in your home, have your child communicate to his or her friends how late they can get a call or text.
• If you child has a smartphone, explain that your expectations for appropriate use on the computer extends to the phone. What many parents don’t realize is that a smartphone is more like a computer than a phone. Just about everything you can do on a computer, you can do on a smartphone.

These simple rules should help you develop an acceptable culture of cell phone use that you and your child can live with. Whatever you do, avoid playing hardball. Spying on your child and threatening to “close her account” if she doesn’t do things your way might not be a good idea. If your child gets into trouble or runs into something she can’t handle, you don’t want her avoiding you or going it alone.

The information is out there, you just have to look for it.