Sleep Me Off My Feet Please...

When I was in college, you knew it was time to start getting ready to go out on Saturday night when my roommate, Theresa, exited the shower, walked across the apartment in her towel, and cranked up “Caribbean Queen.”

It was like a dog whistle.

Within minutes, bathrooms were bustling, Stiff Stuff was spraying and lips were lining (with precision).

And it was 10 p.m.

Nowadays, if 10pm rolls around you can be damn sure I am hoping my night is almost over. Why? Because I am freaking tired, that’s why.

I’m not exactly proud of it but I’m certainly not ashamed by it either because I know I am faaaaaar from alone. I want to sleep so badly but all my kids are at their rite-of-passage vampire stage so I’m outta luck.  I have teens coming in later on weekends and that stinks.  I have ‘tweens staying up later on weeknights and that stinks worse.

I know we all signed the (We’ll) Sleep (When We’re Dead) Contract when we became pregnant and that was all fine – back then. But for the love of God, was it signed in placenta fluid?  Is there an expiration date? 

Listen, I’m entitled to be a little cranky. I happen to be running this show alone now. My husband’s job keeps him out of town for 3 weeks out of each month and I must admit brag that I’ve gotten awfully good at keeping things afloat as a single parent. Yes, so long as everyone’s alright with egg sandwiches for dinner and a minimum of clean socks, this machine is running incredibly smoothly, thankyouverymuch.

But I am beat, man. Throw in the Middle Age First Amendment (Thou Shalt Not Sleep Three Consecutive Hours Once One Hits 40 Years Old) and you are looking at an explosive yet very potential mixture of sleep deprivation and homicide.

I can’t be like my kids and catch up with sleep on Saturdays because come on, there are dogs to be walked and husbands to reconnect with over coffee and  -- you know – that litany of things on a never ending Weekend To Do List to tackle.

And forget lazy Sunday sleep-ins because let’s be real, we all know how those go: if you’re not where you’re supposed to be on Sunday mornings (cough, church) you’re definitely where you want to be (baseball/soccer/football field or well, a diner….) so THAT never works out either.

I suppose I could try sleeping a few hours as soon as I got home from work, waking up in time for dinner but -- seriously, who does that?  Oh wait….that would be a high school senior, who naps, then effortlessly drinks coffee at nine to stay up for three more hours of homework.  Screwy, right?
I think the greatest irony to this whole dilemma is that …

by the time all the chaos of kids and chores and commitments winds down …

… the Middle Age Second Amendment is suddenly upon on:  Thou Shalt Not Sleep Past 5am. Ever.

Can I get a collective “Craaaaaaaaaap…” from all my sistas out there?

Funny stuff.

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