To Lease or Love? Taking the Next Step in a Long-Distance Relationship

Dear Neighbor Lady,

I am approaching my lease renewal in two months and I need to make a decision. ... My boyfriend lives across the country. I want to make a decision about my lease without weighting the decision with feelings about my long-distance relationship. I am willing to try something new and move, but maybe it shouldn't depend on my lease expiring. ... I can't really talk to my friends about this since they will be sad to see me go and don't want me making a rash relationship decision. Help me, Neighbor Lady! How do I broach this subject with the boyfriend in order to get a true read on the situation?

From,

Lease or Love

Dear Lease or Love,

You don’t know this, but a decade or more ago, I proposed to my boyfriend—I even  offered him a ring of engagement. I had seen this beautiful ring that housed three modest but respectable diamonds in a subtle rectangular setting and thought it was just right for him. But, then I thought I couldn’t just get the first ring I saw, so I went on a search.

I asked all the jewelers in Boston if they had a men’s ring, with, say, three modest but respectable diamonds in a subtle rectangular setting? Nobody did.

Finally the last jeweler said, “What is it for?” I said, “Engagement ring.” She said, “Do you have yours?” I said, “No.” She stopped short and said, “Are you going to propose?” I said, “Yes.”

She reached over the counter, slugged me on the arm and said, “Honey, it sounds like you found the right guy and the right ring. Go get them both.”

Leases, cities, money, rings—pfft! nothin’ but replacements for what’s really in question. Love trumps it all! See, you tipped your hand with your last question that just barely eeked its way in, but it did: How do you bring this up to your boyfriend? Or… how do you find out where your relationship stands? Is he ready for this next step?

The trouble with any relationship is that there are two people in it. Sometimes, you do just have to know what the other is thinking, and, well, you have to ask to find out. No need to be cunning. Asking makes you perfectly safe provided you are prepared to hear whatever answer you get. Only you can know what you are ready to hear.

So, to answer your question of how, my answer is: simply and directly:

“My lease is up; I am free to move to you. Sound good?” You don’t even have to get down on one knee.

And you don’t have to be a gambling woman to know this move takes the goods, and it’ll take guts. When I proposed, we hadn’t ever spoken of marriage. I had the diamonds in my hand, but my heart was in my throat—I had pushed my chips all-in, and yet, I felt quite alive and in a position of strength.

It turns out my guy said, “Yes! I’m no fool!” Sounds like you aren’t either. Maybe you just need a virtual slug in the arm to get you to go get exactly what you already know you want.