Are You a Victim of Self-Defeating Thoughts?

How much time do we invest into wishing, hoping, praying, and fantasizing about something that we want?  Some times, these things might be unrealistic and completely out of our control, such as a winning lotto ticket or winning a contest for a free trip around the world.  Majority of the time, however, these are things that we have some sense of control over yet forever seem just beyond our grasp.  These are the thoughts that sound something like, "If just this one time I could..."  We focus so much energy on those things that we feel are due to us and that we are deserving of, but for what ever reason, there remains a barrier to us obtaining them.  Perhaps we blame it one someone else who got there first, leaving us filled with envy or jealousy.  Perhaps we find fault in ourselves for not working hard enough or not following our gut instinct.

We get used to not having these things in our life; to being passed over for a promotion again, to another failed relationship.   It ends up becoming such a part of us that we make excuses for it by blaming it on the black cloud that follows us or Murphy's Law or even a personal case of 'bad luck'.  It morphs into a personal mantra of failure, so much so that when miraculously the thing we've longed for finally drops in our lap, we engage in self-sabotaging behaviors because we've convinced ourselves that we are not deserving!  can you imagine investing so much time and thought into something that you don't have, and then when it suddenly enters your world, you time is now taken up by self-doubt wondering if you can handle it or live up to the expectations associated with it?  Have you done this in your life?

These are self-defeating thoughts.  They eat away at our self-esteem and self-worth.  They fill us with doubt and lower our personal expectations.  These self-defeating thoughts serve a purpose, however.  They are all based on fear, one of the most powerful emotions.  That fear is a survival instinct that warns us that there may be danger ahead, so perhaps its best to not go there afterall. It is generally fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and even fear of success that may trigger a withdrawal reaction to having what we've been urning for suddenly presented to us.

How do you handle your fears? Are you one to run the other way? Do you turn the other cheek, avoid, and pretend they don't exist? or do you conquer them head on? 

There is another way to look at these fears.  These self-defeating thoughts, which are motivated by fear, tell us that we have a growth opportunity dead ahead.  How exciting can that be!!  But our brains say growth = change, and this can be scary or potentially dangerous.

So what can we do when our brain is engaging this fear factor at such a growth opportunity?  First thing's first - recognize that you are having self-defeating thoughts! Realize the fear you are experiencing, and allow that to motivate you to push forward rather than retreat.  Recognize that the possibility of growth outweighs the risk of failure by a landslide, and identify the excitment that accompanies that realization. Use some tools to help you cancel out those self-defeating thoughts. For instance, snap a rubberband on your wrist every time a negative thought pops into your head.  Try writing that thought on a piece of paper and then shredding it or throwing it in the trash.

Did you know that there is a statistic that shows that for every one negative thought, it takes 7 positive ones to erase the damage? Once we are able to recognize the self-defeating thoughts and stop them in their tracks, our job is not done! We have to replace them 7x's over with positive thoughts that can rebuild our self-esteem and teach our brain and body a different, healthier way of thinking.

Consider how you may be self-sabotaging your potential with these self-defeating thoughts.  Recognize when they occur, and take action by reminding yourself that you are worth whatever good fortune comes your way. Acknowledge the opportunity that is before you and the possibilities that lay ahead with self-growth.  Have confidence in your ability to handle what has come your way, and embrace it in abundance! Know that you deserve success and teach yourself to push beyond the fear into greatness. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself and tread lightly on your subconscious by not passing judgement and not limiting your expectations.  The fear subsides once the unknown becomes known, and that is the moment where you realize that you've exceeded your limits and expectations!

Tammy Greene is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor.  Please feel free to respond with related comments or questions to askTammyanything@gmail.com .   Also, if you have a topic that you would like to have addressed in the next blog, please submit a brief description. Tammy will pick one submission per week to respond to. You may also reach Tammy through her website at www.tgperspectives.com .