Jur-Grass-ic Park

My house has not gone into foreclosure, I promise. Nor is my lawn mower broken. Please do not judge me by the long blades of grass growing all over my yard. I have every intention of mowing my lawn this summer every week. However, the weather does not seem to be cooperating with this plan. Therefore, I am proposing alternative options for a yard in a city where the rain never stops.

GRASS MAZE OF MYSTERY

Everyone loves a corn maze in the autumn, but I have a feeling that a grass maze in the summer could be equally enjoyable. At the entrance we would supply raincoats for those daring enough to enter the Grass Maze of Mystery. Admission would be a measly $5 to cover the cost of snacks and raincoats. I guarantee people would come from as far as Pleasant Ridge to experience the mysteries within. Refreshments would be supplied at the end of the maze in the form of Faygo and Garden Fresh Gourmet chips and salsa.

PETTING ZOO

I could visit the Royal Oak Farmers Market and get a good line on some goats and cows that I could rent for the summer. The goats and cows would be allowed to graze freely throughout the yard. Residents walking by would be able to freely pet the goats. We would also offer free stools and buckets for those willing and able to milk the cows. However, please do not feed the animals anything – they are on a strict diet of local Ferndale grass.

GREENLEAF MARKET

In direct competition to the Rustbelt Market, I could open a grass-filled outdoor marketplace that offers bundles of wet grass. Table rental is free, but patrons must be willing to make all handmade materials out of grass from my yard. Some suggested uses for the bushels would be: Grass-based cooking, wall decorations (for that perfect Feng Shui look), grass friendship bracelets, grass-based leotards, grass potpourri, or grass-based musical instruments.

ROCK GARDEN

In retaliation to the daunting task of mowing all summer long, I will don a rain slicker and completely dig up all of the grass in my yard. Once the lush grass has been removed it will be replaced by local Ferndale stones. Much like the desert states where a lawn won’t survive, I will start a new Michigan trend that thrives on stones over grass. It will also become a local hotspot for people confusing the term Rock Garden with a venue for local rock and roll music.

MIDDLE EARTH

Why not take advantage of Michigan’s tax incentives for movie studios? No need for Peter Jackson to fly his entire crew all the way to New Zealand when I have a lush, green, hobbit-like setting in my own backyard! I can also offer my services as an extra or perhaps the star of the movie being of a hobbit-size height.

All of these ideas seem to be viable options for both myself and the City of Ferndale if this weather continues all summer. I’m also hoping the city officials will take note of these attempts and are kind enough to cut me some slack on my unattractive yard. No need to send a citation just yet!