Barb Higgins: Thirty Days of Thanks Day 12

Thirty Days of Thanks Day 12

Jack would have turned 18 today. November 12, 2002 my now friend and often times lifeline Brandy became a mother. I have never met Brandy face to face. I did not know Jack while he was here. Jack, like Molly, never had the chance to see his 14th birthday. Jack died on August 13, 2016. Three months and 6 days after Molly. In that first year after Molly died friend of mine organized “Thirteen Burpees for Barb” which were done on the 13th of the month to honor Molly and our family. So, on that August day in 2016, as I sat numb in my chair watching my friends do their burpees, a nightmare was unfolding in Mississippi. Jack died in a tragic accident, pieces of which remain unresolved four years later. What does this have to do with Barb, here in NH being thankful you ask? If I have learned anything in the wake of Molly’s death it is that our loved ones send us blessings, they work hard from where they are to help us survive. They want us to be happy I am sure, but they also know and support our inability to do so. On that day in August, a day sweet Brandy likely re-lives again and again like I relive mine, a series of events was set in motion that connected two mothers, separated by thousands of miles but joined in the loss of their 13-year-old children. I will never be okay with Molly’s death and the circumstances that allowed it to happen anymore than Brandy will ever be okay with her loss of Jack, but we have each other.
In that first year I found several online grief groups. Parents world wide who not only reached out to support all who joined, but who understood in a way not one person in my day to day life at that time could. I have found an amazing group of local “Angel Parents” now, but in that first year I sat in the chaos feeling alone. I do not remember exactly when I came across Brandy or the specific group in which we connected, but I DO remember how I came to reach out. It was a picture of Jack. I have it on the wall in my kitchen. I saved it on my computer the moment I saw it and began reading everything Brandy posted and responding more frequently. I finally reached out to friend her on Facebook and told her I had saved a bunch of pictures of Jack. I wanted her to know that I wasn’t some creepy stalker, but that I felt Jack had reached out from his picture to connect me to her. Her response to me? From the pacific Northwest where she lives? A picture of a shelf in her house, upon which sat a framed picture of Molly. Like Jack with me, Molly’s story and pictures had called to Brandy. Due to pictures of our children, we became friends immediately.
Brandy is a whimsical creature with an amazing imagination. She is artistic, creative, sensitive and kind. Her life has been ugly in many ways yet what she sees is the potential for beauty in every aspect of life. Like me, she has no shame in sharing her ugly moments. Her tear streaked face shows up in FB posts accurately illustrating her pain. I always learn from her. I also always understand her. I can not fix what is broken in our lives nor can she, but we make it better for each other. I commissioned her to make rosary beads for three of my friends. She is an empath and spent time on each set. When they arrived, she had specific instructions on who should get what set. All of the recipients shared love, gratitude and awe in how special these beads were. She sent me a sweatshirt of hers. I send her gifts back. Brandy owns a company called Gypsy Sister Soap Company. She had a store before COVID-19 and sold a variety of beautiful things. She is a Disney Princess for children’s birthday parties and paints faces at flea markets and craft fairs. She gained a lot of weight after Jack died. When I first saw her beautiful face, she was well over a weight that could be considered healthy. I followed her gastric bypass journey and saw her amazing soul shine through as the pounds melted away. Very few people can pull off beauty on both sides of the scale… Brandy is one who can.
She has three other children. One lives with her parents and her two littles with her and her husband. She puts any and all holiday decorators to shame with her ability to transform her house into a Halloween (and now Christmas) wonderland. She paints her windows with scenes with characters. While I find it impossible to acknowledge holidays in my grief, she immerses herself in them. This helps me. I look at her pictures every day. Her birthday post yesterday hit hard, trying to be happy that Jack existed but wrecked with his absence. A cake and singing, tears and rage. In her words, “Sometimes you just want to scream “give him back!” but it does no good, years pass but the pain and ache does not change” These are the times I know with every fiber of my being how she feels. I must whisper to myself “Molly please come back” fifty times a day. This is child loss, we fake it on the daily.
So today, November 12, 2020 I am thankful for Jack, for his time here on earth and how he connected me to his mother. I am grateful for Brandy and how her unrelenting quest for peace gives me confidence and faith in the search of my own. I am thankful for the wonderful grief groups for child loss that help connect parents struggling with their unspeakable trauma. Brandy, thank you… for seeing me, for loving the ugly with the pretty, for sharing your struggles so I can survive mine, for sharing your self so beautifully with me and so many others. Happy Birthday Jack, your mom is awesome! Thank you for sending her to me!