Patton: More Pratfalls On The Presidential Campaign Trail

It had to come to this - a battle between robots and earthlings.

Marco Rubio’s stiff, programmed performance during the Republican presidential debate of Feb. 6 raised eyebrows and provoked comment.
“Saturday night, of course, was the Republican debate during which Rubio handled a confrontation with Chris Christie poorly - or, depending on your willingness to be generous to Rubio, disastrously. Christie attacked Rubio for employing scripted lines of attack, prompting Rubio to reply robotically with - a scripted line of attack.” (Philip Bump, The Washington Post, 2/10/2016).

Shortly thereafter, Rubio protestors appeared dressed (badly) in home-made robot costumes (badly enough that both the robot from “Lost in Outer Space” and The Terminator protested the shoddiness of these outfits.). These “robots” trailed Rubio to his speaking engagements to mock his wooden debate performance.

Eventually, the robot imitators got to be too much for Cliff Hurst, Rubio’s New Hampshire chairman. He scuffled with one of them, Aaron Black, who was holding a “ROBOT RUBIO” sign. When cameramen rushed to the scene to record the altercation, the participants quickly separated with nothing more than bruised egos to show for it.

The event may be best remembered as the first recorded fight between a “robot” and a human.

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Sometimes in life, no matter how hard you try to be perfect , things turn out badly. Ted Cruz’s campaign was filming a political ad in which members of a faux group therapy session (professional actors) were expressing their disappointment in Marco Rubio (poor Rubio seems to be getting it from all sides).

Unbeknownst to the filming crew, one of the actors, Amy Lindsay, had appeared in soft-core pornographic films, including “Erotic Confessions,” “Carnal Wishes,” “Secrets of a Chambermaid ,” and “Insatiable Desires.” (BuzzFeed, 2/11/2016). Now, Cruz is an evangelical Christian who prides himself on adhering to his faith’s moral teachings, so an ad with a porn star was a definite embarrassment.

Needless to say, the ad was pulled faster than Moses parted the Red Sea.

Of course, no discussion of campaign irregularities would be complete without mentioning Donald Trump. Trump was part of the human traffic jam that occurred while Republican candidates were being introduced prior to the Feb. 6 debate.

Michael Andor Brodeur (Boston Globe, 2/12/2016) nicely summarizes the chaos that ensued. “Last week’s bumbling procession of GOP candidates onto the New Hampshire debate stage was a breathtaking piece of modern dance (or kabuki if you factor in Donald Trump’s abuse of foundation). Ben Carson and Trump stalling in the wings like two terrified kids at the top of a waterslide, Jeb Bush blowing past them like a dorky Beyonce, John Kasich getting forgotten backstage like a less endearing Kevin McAllister. It was a low point of stage management , but in every other respect it was a masterpiece.”

Of course, as always, Trump later managed to redeem himself. He was working a rope line in Baton Rouge Louisiana, when a baby, Curtis Jeffrey, was passed forward in the crowd to Trump. Not surprisingly, Trump was much taken with the infant. Why? The boy’s hair was arranged in a spiked blonde faux-hawk style reminiscent of Trump’s own “hair.” In addition, the baby held a bejeweled pacifier clearing identifying the infant as a Trump supporter. Without missing a beat, Trump autographed the child’s hand and passed it back to his parents.

Well, “the plans of mice and men often go astray,” which makes life more difficult for presidential candidates, but more entertaining for political observers.

Gary Patton is the author of two books, “Selling Mt. Washington,” a political satire about New Hampshire politics, and “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire, “ a humorous account of the struggles of newcomers to this state. Both books are now available in Portsmouth at the River Run Bookstore , Discover Portsmouth, and Tugboat Alley. In Exeter, these books can be obtained at The Water Street Bookstore and the Country Store at RiverWoods. In Hampton, look for them at the Galley Hatch gift shop. In North Hampton, both are available at “The Book Outlet.” In Concord, these books can be found at Gibson’s Bookstore. They are also available on-line at Amazon.com.