Loss, Cancer, Surviving: Barnegat Man Still Feels Pain After 9/11

BARNEGAT, NJ — Fred Rubenstein, 71, just got his letter certifying him for the September 11th Victims Compensation Fund for cancer associated with the terrorist attacks.

He expects they found him because someone from the MTA, where he worked for 30 years, gave him his name.

He takes little pride in it. But the Barnegat man, a 9-11 survivor who has suffered cancer and lost a number of friends connected to that time, is glad the funds can help his family after he's gone.

Rubenstein doesn't consider himself pious, but he believes in God. He prays, and he enjoys silent moments in which he hugs his wife and cat. He's a survivor, even as he still grieves and suffers.

"If I die prematurely," he said, "my wife has to go on."

But he also thinks some good came out of it.

On Sept. 11, he saw firsthand how people can come together and rise above hatred. If one good thing can come out of that day, he would like people to continue dialogue and realize they're all human.

"If we learn to prepare for the unexpected," Rubenstein said, "and if we substitute the most vile four-letter word I know, which is hate, and substitute it with a beautiful four-letter word called love, maybe we can avoid some of this."

The reminders and the pain

Indeed, Rubenstein still feels that pain when he remembers how the World Trade Center Tribute Organization called him a year or two after the attacks. They asked him to narrate an exhibit called "Inside the Fence" as part of a tribute.

"We met at the Port Authority Bus Terminal at the New Jersey Transit district office," Rubenstein told Patch on Thursday, one day before the 19th anniversary of his survival. "It was very painful for me, because the room was still somewhat fresh."

The exhibit featured photographs and personal photo albums of people who worked at Ground Zero. Rubenstein detailed the daunting challenges during the months of recovery.

"It sounds like you did a lot," the interviewer said during his presentation.

Rubenstein looked at her and said, "I wish I could have done more."

'The Best Eight Minutes of My Life'

The pain started on Sept. 11, 2001, when Rubenstein was in the 28th of 30-year tenure with the Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA).

The Barnegat resident was a member of a Mayoral Task Force for transportation, led by then-New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. The group had a meeting for 9 a.m. at 7 World Trade Center.

Rubenstein waited for the No. 5 Lexington Avenue Express train, which arrived eight minutes late.

"Those were the best eight minutes of my life," Rubenstein said. "In fact, the tardiness of the subway probably saved my life."

He exited the subway at the Brooklyn Bridge/City Hall station. As he walked along Park Row — adjacent to his alma mater, Pace University — the first plane struck the north tower at 8:46 a.m.

Rubenstein never forgot the heat from the fireball that permeated over the Lower Manhattan sky. People thought it was an accident. Then the second plane hit.

He turned to the officer next to him — so new to the job his shield shined. Their pagers went off like crazy, and that's when he learned about what happened at the Pentagon and in Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

"Indelibly tattooed in my longterm memory are visions of people either jumping or falling more than 100 stories through the air," Rubenstein said. "You don’t forget that."

Rescue, Recovery And Cancer

Rubenstein went to Ground Zero for six months straight to assist with rescue and recovery. On the third day, he stood with several cops and firefighters in front of J&R Music World, opposite City Hall Park.

They walked through gray ash for days but came to a sudden realization. This was more than construction debris. It was human ash.

"I remember some of the digging we did, and you came up with a finger, you came up with an arm," he said.

They belonged to cops, firefighters, emergency-services personnel, civilians and Rubenstein's colleagues in the transit industry. Giuliani closed off Lower Manhattan to give personnel a fighting chance to recovery those who were killed.

But the deaths associated with the attacks didn't just occur on Sept. 11. Rubenstein has said goodbye to four friends: "Chilly" Willie Gonzalez, Bobby Parker, Richie Searcy and Norman Rodriguez. Three others close to him became terminally ill: Danny Matera, Paul Rosenberg and Tony Siconolfi.

All of them died, he said, because of illnesses associated with Sept. 11 or the toxic air that fogged the area for weeks.

Then, Rubenstein developed a tumor four years ago between his heart and left lung associated with illnesses from Sept. 11. It gave him trouble swallowing, but it was removed.

"I never made any insurance claims, because it was benign," he told Patch. "And my feeling was, let it go to women and men who didn’t get off as easy as I did."

But last May, Rubenstein called it "my turn." He was diagnosed with intermediate-grade prostate cancer.

He fought through it. Rubenstein completed nine weeks of radiation. He credits his recovery to modern medicine, dedicated physicians and his loving wife.

He continues to feel the effects of external radiation. Rubenstein never drives alone because of severe fatigue that occasionally hits him like a tidal wave.

It's been once month since his last treatment. After six months, he will receive a prostate-specific antigen blood test to reassess his recovery.

"I don’t get stupid about it," Rubenstein said. "But when the doctor told me I had prostate cancer, he said, ‘you’ll be OK.’ I said, ‘Doc, they didn’t kill me in Vietnam when I flew air rescue. They didn’t kill me at the Trade Center. Let’s tackle this thing.’"

Kindness and Community

Even as he hasn't escaped the consequences of Sept. 11., there's one thing from that day he wishes society could get back: the ability to rise above differences and help others.

During the terrorist attacks, panicked crowds stampeded away from City Hall. A gray shroud of dust filled he air, Rubenstein says.

On instinct, he headed for the nearest MTA bus depot. Rubenstein and other managers, mechanics and bus drivers jumped behind the wheel into anything that would start and traveled to Ground Zero.

Throughout the city, he saw helpers from all walks of life. Homeless people directed traffic. People from the Village with multicolored hair came to distribute water bottles.

"Everybody was pulling in the same direction," Rubenstein said. "If only we could resurrect that and make it stick. That would be my one wish. If only we could retrieve the spirit that makes us realize we’re all the same."

He believes that somewhere along the line, that feeling left humanity. But he thinks it can return, without a tragedy the scale of 9-11.

Rubenstein recalled a peaceful moment years after the attacks — a conversation with his employees. They explained Ramadan, and Rubenstein told them what he knew about Judaism.

"We went away knocking down silly, inane biases by doing that," Rubenstein said. "We just sat, and we talked. Nobody was angry."

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