Montclair Op-Ed: What's Your 'Job' When Someone You Love Dies?

The following article comes courtesy of Montclair resident Vincent Dopulos, a trauma and loss counselor at Counseling Loss LLC. Send local news tips, photos and press releases to eric.kiefer@patch.com

MONTCLAIR, NJ — The death of someone we love can affect us in ways we do not expect. This can be even more surprising because the feelings can come weeks or months after the death. We can seem fine for an extended period of time, and then, out of nowhere, we are crying in our car or at the grocery store.

The feelings generated by grief are often deeply felt and formidable, whether they come immediately or after a period of time. We can be shaken hard by feelings we may not be familiar with. Also, this can bring us back to experiences of loss we have had in the past. These memories may be quite distant, but suddenly they feel very fresh and can be exceptionally painful.

Our job, if the grief is ours or someone close to us, is to allow for the range of unexpected strong feelings that arise. It is not our job to distract or talk ourselves or someone else out of what is being felt. Because they are feelings, they may not make a great deal of sense. Sometimes, this is a hard thing for us to accept. We pride ourselves on being rational and able to understand and think through what happens in our life. Generally, this is not the case with the death of a loved one. When someone we love dies, we miss them and can be rocked to our very foundation. No amount of rationalization or understanding answers the pain we feel. Only comfort, acceptance and presence can ease this experience.

We feel this pain due to the loss of love. This pain is an experience that takes over the body. We love from within; our entire being experiences this profound sense of loss. These feelings can be so strong a person can think they are losing their sanity. This is natural because of the tremendous unexpected pain of grief. We are called upon to be able, as best we can, to tolerate our feelings or the feelings of those we love that are in grief. It is helpful to remember that these feelings will not stay the way they are now. The memory of the one who has died will never go away. But the feelings a person has during this difficult period of grief will eventually ease and change. Our job is to allow for the tears, the anger, the loneliness and any other feelings that arise.

Remaining gentle and present through the course of grief will allow us to move toward healing and a sense of wholeness again. This should not be a fast process and trying to get through this these feelings quickly is not helpful in grief. Everyone handles grief differently, in their own time and own way.

• See related article: Montclair Counselor Offers Tips: How To Speak To The Bereaved