Another EXPERT opinion…

In the back of the black stretch limo, Victoria “Molly” Porter relaxed into the plush leather seats admiring her Christian Louboutin watersnake pumps, positioning them this way and that on the footrest while picking olives out of her teeth with her long French-manicured index finger. “Don’t you just love them,” she said to her good friend Callous Lizardly who rode along beside her in thoughtful silence. “All the soles are red, did you know that? Makes me feel so powerful!”

“Slow down on those martinis, Molly!” Cal said tensely. “You’re going to be needing a clear head tonight.  These podunk small-town people are giving us a run for our money, much like they did in Stamford, but this time much worse.” A sheen of sweat was forming on his forehead, and his neck tie felt tighter than usual.

“Oh, honey, we’ve been through this thousands of times before,” Molly chided. “What does it matter anyway, we always win in the end.  A little bling bling goes a long way. Besides, you know I don’t put no booze in my martinis, just ginger ale and olives. I get the poops when I drink alcohol, and that won’t do me no good while I’m testifying as a Flatus EXPERT before the Board of Nursing Home Administrators.”

Fast forward to the Department of Health and Senior Services located in the local Borough Hall of the quaint and charming town of Old Holbrook -- the seat of Holbrook County.  The intelligent and dedicated, but bleary-eyed Board Members have already endured hours and hours and hours of ludicrously comical, borderline bizarre testimony from one EXPERT witness after another for TOOTaBOOMa -- an enormous and infamous food vendor known for his gassy foods. His mission is to be the main supplier for all of the nursing homes in the whole entire world, regardless of how unhealthy his foods are for his victims.  Holbrook County is his newest and latest target much to their sadness and distress.

In a scenario they’ve played out more times than they can count, Callous and Molly put on their practiced presentations, like automatons.  They claim that they’ve gone above and beyond what is expected, and use so much technical jargon that they impress themselves. But unfortunately for them the residents of Holbrook ain't all that easy to con.

“Good evening. For the record I am Callous Lizardly on behalf of TOOTaBOOMa,” Callous announces loudly to the Board and the members of the public who have relatives in the various nursing homes populating Holbrook County. “I have with me Victoria ‘Molly’ Porter, our EXPERT in flatulence who will be testifying here tonight.”

“Do you swear or affirm that the testimony you are about to give in this matter shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” the Board attorney asked Molly.

“Yes, I do,” Molly fibbed, batting her lovely eyelashes at the hunky good-natured Board attorney.

“Molly can you tell the Board what your educational background is, and your professional experience,” Callous asked.

“Why yes I can,” Molly says sweetly. “I have a Bachelor of Science in Flatulence and Expulsion from the University of The Windy City; I’ve testified 5,000 times before audiences such as these ones; I’ve appeared on hundreds of TV shows including, “Gone With the Wind,”  “Chitty, Chitty Bang, Bang,” and “Name That Tune”; and I was asked to direct the music videos of “Ooh That Smell” and “Dust in the Wind.”  I am a member of the Institute of Professional Farters, and in my professional practice I have been privileged to experience millions of farts from all walks of life, and all corners of the planet.

“I submit Miss Porter as an expert in the field of flatulence,” Callous proudly offered up with a fond wink at his pretty flatulence EXPERT.

Once the Board recognized Molly as an EXPERT on flatulence, Callous continued. “Molly, are you familiar with the food which is the subject of this petition?”

“Oh yes I am. I have eaten everything TOOTaBOOMa makes, and have never had an increase in wind because of it,” Molly boasted.

“Can you tell us why we’ve brought you here today?” Callous asked.

Molly turned and faced the Board. “I was retained by Mr. Lizardly, attorney for TOOTaBOOMa,” she answered, “to evaluate the impact of TOOTaBOOMa’s food on the residents of a sample population of Old Holbrook Nursing Home.

“We did a Fart Impact Study following Institute of Farting Technology methodology. Traditionally, flatulence experts will look at the population they’re studying as one unit collectively; we analyzed our sample group as individual gas producers. Following the flatulence study guidelines outlined by the Institute of Farting Technology we analyzed the characteristics of prolific flatulaters, and included the residents possessing these qualities in our sample group in order to make sure we had the highest flatulation count possible. Our core group included verbose talkers, fast eaters, and gum chewers, as well as large people with big derrieres.

“Fart generation characteristics are developed using guidelines published by IPF in the fart generation manual that has collected farts and fart facts from all over the world for centuries. From Vikings to royalty, farts of all types including food-generated farts have been recorded.

“Much of our study practices are set forth in fart management code, however, we supplemented the IOFT data with individual counts. This generally yields a higher fart-generation number, making our results more conservative than if we had went with IOFT alone.

“We thought it was appropriate to evaluate the flatulence of the residents during peak generating hours.  Typically, maximum activity is one hour after meals. But because some people peak earlier and some peak later, we not only extended that period to three hours during weekday morning peak hours and weekday evening peak hours, but the counts were to be performed in the winter and the summer, in the bathtub, in bed, on the couch, during leisurely walks, during sex, during heavy lifting, and periods of physical exertion such as Zumba exercise.

“After analyzing the operational characteristics, we fed the residents items from TOOTaBOOMa’s menus including chimichangas, refried beans, baked beans, bean salad, beef and broccoli, seltzer water, sodapop, beer, and Tootalicious bubblegum. Our team then conducted a series of manual counts, after which we ran numbers for that and added 17% to grow the fart volumes. We took a modest credit, only for people over the age of 80, not for those under 80 who are known to be the healthiest farters.

“After performing our fart assessment, our analysis shows that the pre-fart levels and the post-fart levels are essentially the same. Maximum peak hour volumes did not change significantly. We did not see any significant increase in nursing home warming, sick building syndrome, the killing of potted flora or resident cats, sharting, accidental explosions, or deterioration in levels of oxygen. We do however recommend installing an additional ceiling fan in the hallway leading to the bathroom to help disperse increased volumes during peak hours.

“We have to remember also that we have more than one outlet for the fart gasses to exit -- two, and sometimes three with those who have placostomies. By having these extra points of egress the farts don’t have to be forced through one outlet causing focused large volumes of gas to be expelled at once.

“The cumulative fart generation rate fart standard FUFO reflects back to the IOFT standards published in the fart manual, and using good flatulence planning, we relied on data published by the Institute of Farting Technology to forecast farting levels produced by the farters populating nursing homes in Holbrook County in the future.

“We feel that Holbrook County’s nursing homes can adequately handle TOOTaBOOMa food because the combination of existing fart volume plus TOOTaBOOMa-generated farts really is not that high in terms of fart studies that were performed on many other nursing homes.

“While farting can be a social nightmare, we concluded that the introduction of TOOTaBOOMa foods into Holbrook County’s nursing homes will most likely not be lethal.

“And does that conclude your testimony Miss Porter?” Lizardly asked, smugly satisfied.

“Yes, it does,” Molly preened.

Fast forward to the ride home, with Molly and Lizardly comfortably ensconced in their luxurious limo.

"Oh Molly, you were so smooth and so technical,” a much more relaxed Cal said with a slight catch in his throat.

“Do you think they bought it Cal?” Molly asked shyly.

“Oh yes, I even bought it.  You used just the right amount of technical bologna, and the appropriate level of concern. It dazzles me every time.”

“We can be proud of ourselves, Cal!  And if someone spontaneously combusts as a result of our efforts on behalf of TOOTaBOOMa, oh well, we’ll be long gone and working on other projects.”

Callous automatically sat erect and asked with a pinched face, “Did you cut one Molly?”

“Oh, yes I did Cal.  Designer SBD made just for you, and lots more where that came from!”

Suddenly feeling frisky, Callous Lizardly pulls Victoria “Molly” Porter onto his lap and gives her a Fifty Shades smack on the bottom, “The sweet smell of success,” he groans, and then inhales deeply.

To be continued…