Rabbi Shmuley: Raising Children With Rotten Values

Over 60 people found the light on a cold, dark night at Temple Emanuel in Franklin Lakes while listening attentively to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach illuminate four of the “most rotten values” inflicted upon today’s children. 

And he should know.  The happily married Englewood resident, father of nine children, has an impressive bio that begins with an Oxford education and continues along a path littered with 23 internationally published best-selling books, highly attended lectures all over the world and shows "Shalomon in the Home"on TLC and "The Shmuley Show on 77WABC."

Two of Boteach’s (pronounced Boh-taach) books, “Parenting With Fire” and “Ten Conversations You Need to Have With Your Children” were both featured on The Oprah Winfrey Show.  The who’s who of this prolific preacher’s associations read like the guest list of the Golden Globes:  Michael Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Mehmet Oz, and Dr Maya Angelou to name a few.

The London Times named him “Preacher of the Year,” The Washington, Jerusalem and Huffington Posts feature his weekly syndicated columns and amongst pages of awards is his distinguished honor for excellence from The American Jewish Press Association. Boteach has an incredible list of credits.  

Rabbi Shmuley, as he's commonly called, is proud to be an American, citing with profound gratitude that “America is the shining light to the rest of the world.”  He praised the land where his people “have flourished” and said we should “all have a vested interest in the future of its people." With great passion the Rabbi roused his audience with a deep, deep concern for what he and many other relationship experts, educators and professionals in many social fields say is at the root of much unrest in America—rotten values; a crisis Boteach feels threatens the stability of our society.

Rotten Value #1: What you do is more important than who you are.

At an early age, are children are asked, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Focusing on this instead of who a person is does not consider the basic tenet of  civilized man: "What kind of person are you—good or bad?” What you own, how much money you have or how famous you are shouldn't be what is important, the Rabbi said. What you have done to help your neighbor, is what should count. 

The American Dream has become a distortion of values with money and “fame the calling card of our genration,” said Boteach.

“Michael Jackson was taught from the age of 5,that he had to ‘do’ to ‘be’," said Boteach . The expectations from Jackson’s family equated acceptance with success, a trend the Rabbi fears today’s parents are imparting on their own children. Boteach said that Jackson had a post-it note on his mirror the said 100 million, referring to copies-sold, as one of many impossible tasks he set for himself in his never-ending quest for love and acceptance.

“Oprah once said, concerning the launch of her new network OWN,” continued Boteach, “that she didn’t want to end up like Jackson-always trying to prove yourself.”

Boteach also cited “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”, written by Amy Chua, as the perfect example of a parent “trying to chisel the perfect child” out of an imperfect mold.  Helicopter parents, stage moms, parents who imprison the natural learning process of their children’s minds are crushing the very creativity that is behind most successful human beings.

“A diploma from Harvard does not necessarily come with creativity,” said Boteach who gave the example that Ronald Reagan graduated from Eureka College.  “And Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Larry Ellison and Mark Zuckerberg all dropped out of prestigious colleges to not only pursue incredible dreams, but went on to donate to many, many causes with limitless generosity.”

Boteach reiterates that the most crucial job of parenting is to educate children based on their own proclivities, nurturing creativity as a way of development and re-frame a child’s existence within a “moral purpose” rather than a material one.

Rotten Value #2: Love is conditional.

Parents who control and micromanage their children place undo emphasis on performance at the great expense of getting obedience at the cost of feelings. Boteach said that the escalating cause of divorce, the fascination with celebrities who themselves often come from broken families performance in exchange for love, and the obsession with physical appearance are all destroying the fabric of a society founded on principal with higher goals.

“George Washington did not cross the Delaware to buy a mutual fund, or star in a movie!” he said. 

The need for attention comes from the lack of security that children grow up in when what they do, is what they think will buy them love.

Boteach shared several parenting anecdotes that resonated with the crowd.  When relating an incident with his 12-year-old, he said “I love you when you practice your violin for three hours but I won’t burn your stuffed animals if you don’t.”

He added, “Teach your children they don’t have to do anything to be loved.”

Rotten Value #3: Friends are more important than family.

Experts say that in socialized settings, such as schools, children learn to navigate the world, by testing values and relationships in the search for lasting bonds. As such, the belief that friends are more important than family, a value the Rabbi called rotten. 

“Friendship is often based on getting attention: charismatic people are often attractive, amusing and superior in sports of taking tests, “ said Boteach, “but unconditional love is learned at home.”

“Turn Friday Night Into Family Night” is a highly successful program that emphasizes intimate interaction within the family at home, a program initiated by the Rabbi and one he practices with a great sense of celebration.  “I exercise the ‘Tradition of Triple Twos’—two uninterrupted hours on Friday night, the invitation of two people to share the joy, and two substantial topics for discussion. He does not allow TV during the week and encourages the intellectual stimulation of communal viewing of documentaries.

Rotten Value #4: The grade you earn is more important than what you learn.

The importance of grades over intellectual curiosity is another value pushed in American culture, he said, adding that as parents, we should inspire curiosity with a myriad of experiences.  The Rabbi recently brought his children to Cold Harbor, Virginia, the Civil War site where 7,000 men died in one hour.  Boteach wanted his family to feel and care about this loss by standing on the very ground where so many lost their lives for their cause.

“Encourage a calling rather than a career —and raise children who care about other people and not just another credit on a transcript,”he said. “We should bring more light into the world, a blessing, not a burden to overcome the trend of narcissism that is anything but liberating in our great, great country.”