'No, Cancer, You Are Not Winning This,' Mom Vows

EAST HAMPTON, NY — When Allison Duchemin got the news that would change her life forever, her first thought was not of herself, but how the breast cancer diagnosis would impact the ones she loves.

That reaction, friends say, is typical for Duchemin, a beloved member of the East Hampton community who's spent a lifetime giving back to others.

When she heard the news on August. 26, Duchemin was the second of the Bennett family's daughters to be diagnosed with breast cancer over the past five years.

"My family took this as well as they could. It was a very big blow to them for me. Having to look at them and know I was going to put them through this a second time was harder than hearing the words that I had cancer," she said.

Duchemin said she knew right away, based on the lumps she'd felt and her sister's experience, what the diagnosis would be.

Her battle has sparked an outpouring of love from family and friends who are coming together, organizing a fundraiser, the "Let's Rally for Alli: Breast Cancer Benefit," which will take place on Friday night from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. at the Stephen Talkhouse; the event will include live music from Little Head Thinks and The Dog Watchers, raffles, food, and more.

Her sister, Cheryl, was diagnosed with the same form of breast cancer; her official diagnosis is HER - 2 positive invasive ductal carcinoma.

Despite the arduous battle, Duchemin has faced her diagnosis with the same upbeat strength that's characterized her life.

During an interview with Patch, Duchemin's warmth and love for her children, family, boyfriend, and wide circle of friends shines through.

She speaks about the love of Disney — she's so devoted to Disney that she even went on a planned trip, with a face mask adorned with Mickey stickers on the plane, right after she'd begun chemo. Even then, her concern was more for the others on the plane, that they'd worry she was contagious and be fearful for their kids, than for herself.

"Forget me, I could care less about me," she said. Her concern has always been focused outward on other people, those who love her agree.

Even before her mastectomy, Duchemin, 42, who is the oldest of five sisters, including Christina, 40, Karen, 37, Cheryl, 35 — who was diagnosed with the same form of breast cancer but has now recovered and is doing well — and Adriana, 19, said her sister Karen was crying on the phone because she couldn't be there.

Rather than worry about the surgery, Duchemin found herself consoling her sister, telling her to focus on her little girl, who wasn't feeling well.

On Facebook, her sister Karen wrote,"True to my sister, here she is, worrying about me," Duchemin said. "That's all I cared about, how this was affecting everyone else."

Duchemin thanks her mother Tonya, her father Martin, her boyfriend Walter, her cousin Peggy, and a sea of friends, including her best friend Donna Downs, her Dancehampton family, including Ellen McDonald, and a high school friend Joe Yurkewitch, as well as countless others, for orchestrating the fundraiser.

"Without these key people, the benefit would not be possible," she said. "Without Walter, my boyfriend, I would not be here."

The couple has been dating for six years and he has put in long hours driving her daughter Taylor to dance and running their home in recent months; she's been unable to drive since her surgery on Feb. 20.

"I have the most amazing friends anyone can ask for. They've dropped off food, gift cards, flowers, left Facebook messages, anything you can imagine, to make my life easier. And they've left me alone — they know I'm a quiet person — to deal with my recovery. But they're here if I need them," Duchemin said.

That same circle of friends has lifted her spirits, filling her entire front yard in Springs with illuminated carved pumpkins, decorated in Disney and breast cancer themes, and lining up 75 cars down the road to celebrate Halloween with a woman who's united a community.

While growing up in a small town isn't always easy, when times are hard, Duchemin said, "The support that comes out of the woodwork, you cannot imagine."

"My children are the reason I've fought as hard as I have"

At home Thursday in the home filled with love she shares not only with her family but with the four-footed fur babies she adores and has rescued, Duchemin reflects on where she's gotten the motivation to remain so strong in the face of her greatest challenge.

In a heartbeat, she says that it's the love of her life, the center of her world — in the faces of her children, Sean, 19, Riley, 17, and Taylor, 13, that she's found her strength.

Her voice breaking with tears, Duchemin said, "My children are, hands down, my biggest accomplishment and my biggest strength. These three amazing human beings are the reason I have fought this battle the way I have."

So tightly knit is the bond with her beloved children that when the time came to shave her head, they all took turns.

"For a lot of women, losing their hair, it's a big thing for them. For me, it was like, 'No, cancer, you are not winning this. I'm going to face this head on.'"

Of her children, she added, "They are my reason for getting up every single morning," she said. Her children are the reason she heads straight from treatment at the hospital to every baseball game, dance competition, school event.

When her son was filled with fear before her surgery, she comforted him, telling him not to worry. "I said, 'Your mom has not come this far, not to come home to you.'"

And, too, it's the love of her boyfriend Walter that's sustained her.

While her children's father lives in Sag Harbor and is very much a part of their lives, her boyfriend Walter McDougall, the man who, she says, is her children's "bonus dad," has helped her to navigate the day to day schedules of her kids' lives during the hardest times.

"From Day One, he's said, 'You will beat this. You will come through this. And you will be stronger than when you started,'" she said. "He is not only my rock, he's my best friend, my partner in every way."

Also showering her with love and kisses are her fur babies; Duchemin is a passionate animal advocate.

Duchemin, a former police officer with East Hampton Village who works for the Town of East Hampton, for years in the building department and now, for the zoning board of appeals, is eager to get back to the job she loves.

The hardest part of her journey so far, she said, has been missing the everyday moments she cherishes. "It's not being able to live my life the way I always have," she said. "I've always worked, since I was 14. I miss being able to go, at the drop of a hat, if my kids need me. I'm a hard worker, a more than dedicated mom, a good friend and partner. This isn't who I usually am. Sunday mornings in bed and not at the breakfast table — things like that are the hardest part."

Also, she said, a friend's wise words rang true: "She said, 'You're somebody who has to be in control. This illness is taking control from you.' She hit the nail on the head," Duchemin said. But in hearing those words, Duchamin said she found renewed strength. "She grounded me," she said.

Her illness has also given Duchemin a new perspective, she said. "I may sound like a cliche, but you don't sweat the small stuff."

Because her children are the center of her universe, she's opted for a full hysterectomy, to give added assurance that "I can be healthy for them" for years to come.

And, she said, her diagnosis has led to an incredible sense of gratitude to the community that has rallied to help.

"I don't even know how to say thank you," she said. "I don't think there's any way to say thank you for the outpouring of support, emotionally, financially — I honestly have no words. I'm blown away by it, humbled by it, and beyond appreciative. Besides my children and my family, the support of my community has gotten me through this. When you have an army of people behind you, it's an empowering feeling."

Patch photos courtesy of Allison Duchemin.