Post Time: Harrison's Government Access Channel

Occasionally, Harrison residents get confused about some of the things that are aired on our local TV station. So, naturally, they have lots of questions about  programming.

For instance, why were they showing episodes last night of "Homeboys From Outer Space"? That sitcom hasn't gotten any better with time!

And what about Channel 75's Bulletin Board? Well, there's a form to fill out so you can let everyone know about any of your upcoming events. So, don't make the mistake that I did and go out and ring a bell and shout out your news. There are strict "town crier" statutes now. Worse? People throw fruit!

Here's what you need to fill out and how:

First, you need to fill in the name and date. Now, by "date" they mean the day you signed. If you're going out with someone really hot? You'll just have to find another way to let everybody know.

"Events must be open to the general public." For instance, things like garage sales are not acceptable and, after that two-hour rendition of "Louie, Louie" I just heard? Hopefully, garage bands are the next to go.

You are to summarize your event with the fewest words possible. Five words in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. No, wait, those are rules for the haiku contest. But they still work here, too.

This just in: You can now also use "what up, dawg?" whenever you want.

"Each full screen of text will be aired for 30 seconds. Each half screen of text for 25 seconds. If you post a picture of Megan Fox, we'll try and keep it up longer. But no promises.

Please remember that these listings are seen by the whole town, so no personal information should be listed. Anything that begins with, "For a good time call Mary..." will be immediately rejected. And if you want the number, you'll have to come to me.

The scroll at the bottom of the screen is reserved for, "official announcements from town hall only." Which still doesn't explain that last week they posted: "Where them girls at?" 

"Please allow 1-2 business days for your announcement to be posted." Or to get an explanation as to why rap lyrics were at the bottom of the screen that day.

Posts can only be submitted by residents or organizations from Harrison, West Harrison or Purchase. Or, clearly, Lady Gaga.

Let's face it. She's everywhere these days.