Broken Rules and

There are a few edicts that are ingrained in the hearts and minds of the women of my time, age, and yes, possibly background.

It was unanimously agreed by all of my female peers never to wear brown shoes with a black dress or during that long ago time in space, allow a kiss on the first date.

Those dogmas may have been taught at birth, but I am not quite sure about that.

There were a few other pithy injunctions that we also religiously observed. And yes, a few (but only a few) did slowly disappear as we all grew older and perhaps a bit wiser. The promise of ‘Words will never hurt,” in the volatile climate of 2018 comes to mind. I believe we have all learned that words can be as dangerous as stilettos.

However after we married and had children, most of us agreed unilaterally and with certainty that it would be a mistake when that remote time arrived to “Ever follow one of your children.”

I never wavered on any of the edicts I had learned to abide by and respect. Okay, I must admit one day in a hurry I did wear the brown shoes, but I didn’t believe anyone I knew saw me.

However, the day I announced I was leaving the state I had lived in for most of my life to move to Michigan (where one of my four children resided) the silence from my friends was deafening.

I am blessed with friends who are amazing, supportive and smart. They love me I know that, and I love them equally. They would never express their horror at what I planned to do vocally, but their facial expressions said it all as the time for my departure drew closer.

I was feted with some wonderful lunches, a few gifts, many promises to visit, and blessedly, few tears.

I was well aware of what I was doing. I was breaking one of the cardinal rules I had claimed to respect and never anticipated violating. It was a commandment I firmly believed in, yet I had learned another one of life’s primary lessons. There are exceptions to every rule.

I had several reasons to make such a controversial decision, a few too complicated and personal to share. However, one of the main motivations was the residence available in what my friends considered never never land, a small town in northern Michigan.

Cordia, the residence where I now reside, is a new facility that allows total independence with the warmth of a supportive staff always available to fill the needs of those of us privileged to live longer lives.

It embraces the relatively new concept of senior independence, something not available for the parents of all the women who once said, “Never follow one of your children.”

I know that because I discouraged my own Mom from doing exactly that when she left her beloved NYC for a neighboring town in New Jersey to be closer to my sister.

However, our Mothers did not have the choices the current generation of aging adults now enjoys. When Mom moved she relocated into another apartment without a support staff. While she was blessed with the kindness of nearby family members to sustain her, she was unable to maintain the level of independence she treasured.

There was also a second indisputable edict that we once proclaimed loud and clear. “Never live with one of your children.”

A dear friend, who I respect and admire, will break that rule shortly. I know she will endure the quiet sadness of female friends and acquaintances, who will absolutely believe she, too, is making a mistake.

However, we all do learn eventually that the rigidity of some of our beliefs and inflexibility must change as we age. My friend is astute and wise, and her decision is based on a valid calculation not only of her needs, but anticipations.

I learned because of my own experience to respect not only her choice, but the wisdom of knowing when to break a rule. As the current of life constantly flows, so too must we reevaluate some of the rigid margins of choice.

However, I still doubt if I will ever wear brown shoes again with a black dress.