Can't, Don't, Need & Want

Can't and don't were two words the most influential men in my life never used. 

They didn't have much time to be truly acquainted with each other  The older one left our world a few years after the younger one and I had married.  Still they had a great deal in common.  Neither ever surrendered to the negative.

There are two more words that have been sharply divided throughout my lifetime, need and want.  In a sense they could be connected to can't and don't since they apply to things we can't have and don't need.

The line of demarcation has become sharper for me these last few days of eternal winter.

Obviously, there are some things I needed during these recent days of being housebound, but also things I only wanted.  I can't recall ever having to choose on a daily basis before this intense period of hibernation.

First and foremost, I want desperately to get out of my comfortable, warm house.  But realistically, do I truly need to do that and face the icy blasts of snow or perilous black ice?  Not at all.  Yet, I do so want to go out - perhaps just for a cup of coffee at the Massapequa Diner.  Admittedly, I can have ample cups of strong, black, wonderful coffee from the dependable Keurig on my countertop in the warmth of my kitchen.  Still I want to go out.

And then the can't and don't words come back to mind.  Don't is predominant as my strong inner voice warns of the perils of an unnecessary trip on the slippery roads.  And I have to admit, I can't be irresponsible.  As I look at the larder, it is still amazingly full even through there are a few empty spaces - no chocolate morsels for Toll House cookies; no pecans for banana bread, and no potato chips.

Needless to say, I don't need potato chips.  Especially since I rarely eat them.  Perhaps that last TV commercial depicting a happy family munching on crunchy, salty, high caloric potato chips brought them to mind.  No, of course, I don't need them.  Nor do I need pecans or chocolate bits.  I can make corn muffins or blueberry muffins, and I still have a full loaf of bread in the freezer.

But oddly, I suddenly and desperately want all three.  The question is do I need them enough to put on the Uggs, the down coat, the heavy mittens, and drive on the unplowed roads for potato chips?  Once again, my inner voice speaks loud and clear.  There is no need.  I hear my own answer, I can't be so foolish.

The snow will eventually subside, the roads will clear, and I will put the Uggs away once more.  Then the needs, wants along with can't and don't may become dormant for a little while.  I am aware, however, all will emerge again because they are part of our human existance.

When I was young, my Mother desperately wanted an electric knife.  There were so many other things she truly needed; a larger home, maybe even a garden.  Still she never expressed a desire for any of those things.  Perhaps because she realized she could never have them, and told herself she didn't want them.  It was simpler to wish for an electric knife.

I look back on my own life, and question how many similar choices I have made or allowed myself to express.  I wonder how many circumstances such as being snowbound lead us to make the wrong decisions.

Perhaps this period of cabin fever has provided me with a clearer definition of the differences between need, want, can't and don't.  Maybe even though "The snow is snowing; the wind is blowing," I did master the storm.

I chose to stay home and survived witbhout potato chips, chocolate morsels and pecans and drank my own black coffee.