Decisions, Choices

Decisions are looming as the snow begins to wane. While I have made others and never looked back, this time it seems different. I wonder why.

I have been avoiding change. I made several major ones last year and I realize I am reluctant to make another quite yet.

Possibly because I have learned that with every positive choice made, there is a negative consequence. If I am realistic, I acknowledge that cannot be avoided.

When I think back to the earliest days when life was frothy and fun, I recall how everything seemed possible.

That was when I loved, loved, loved to dance. My friends and I danced at every opportunity. I remember it so well when I listen to Liam Lawton’s beautiful version of The Lord of the Dance.

"Dance, dance, wherever you may be." I cannot count how many pairs of Capezios I wore out during those years.

Then I met a young stranger in a crowded place who changed my life from that moment on.

And I stopped dancing. Without regret or nostalgia.

Today I smile when I hear music and tap my feet but don’t wistfully wish I was on the dance floor again.

Years later in a crowded kitchen with four growing youngsters watching, I learned to bake. To my amazement, I totally enjoyed the pleasure of combining assorted ingredients (flour, sugar, eggs, cinnamon and other spices) and then smelling an amazing aroma. There was mutual delight in the finished culinary accomplishment.

Then one by one the house emptied, and there was only one chair left at the round kitchen table, and I stopped baking. The fun was gone without anyone else to share the enjoyment of homemade cookies, coffee cakes and casseroles.

I remember my favorite recipes now, but only vaguely, and less and less as the days pass. Occasionally, but not often, I visit a bakery and purchase.a crumb bun or almond scone and remember a kitchen with the wonderful smell of a coffee cake baking in the oven. But not very often.

I can’t remember when I didn’t love to go shopping. Living in Manhattan it was always an adventure seeking bargains and window shopping. It became my second nature

After I moved from the Fifth Avenue stores and boutiques of Madison Avenue, I discovered suburban Malls that had annexes of most of the NY stores I remembered.

It wasn’t necessary for me to makes a purchase, just peering in the windows or walking through the aisles filled me with pleasure, and then suddenly, it didn’t. Possibly that was after he left, but more likely when life slowed down, and the need for an extensive wardrobe diminished.

Whatever the reason, shopping for fun came to a slow and final conclusion, and was eventually supplemented by browsing alone through the internet on a rainy night.

But I haven’t missed it, and have discovered a subtle satisfaction in late night sales that pop up unexpectedly in my email.

Now when I make another decision and end another long indulged pleasure, will I regret it? Or will life again teach me to look forward with my choice and not look back.

I am unsure what I will do. I haven’t regretted any of the other choices I made in relinquishing former pleasures, perhaps I won’t this time either. Time will tell.