Grief, Beauty and

The moment I donned the cloak is embedded in my heart.

I wasn’t aware I owned such a garment. I have always loved clothes, and the rather small wardrobe I shared with my husband was crammed with our apparel; casual wear, business attire, and a few elegant social items. I didn’t believe there would be room for anything else. The closet was as crowded as our lives, or so I believed.

Until the spring morning when I sat quietly waiting for Sal, both physician. and friend, to enter the paneled room. I always enjoyed our visits together. Optimistically, I believed our family Doctor equally enjoyed the thirty minutes or so he traditionally spent with both my husband and me.

That day, however, was not to fall into the familiar category. As the door opened and he entered the small office, there were no smiles, no easy banter. Sal looked aloof, distant and yes, professional. Quietly he spoke the precise words that often accompany the cloak. I immediately felt the fragile garment embrace my shoulders and I have worn it ever since.

Early this morning the memory of that rainy Thursday morning in Amityville returned. It also had been the precise moment when I knew our lives forever changed.

The cloak didn’t seem heavy at first. I don’t recall precisely when I realized I was wearing it. Possibly because the fabric is quite tightly knit. The weave allows little to enter or touch a heartbeat. The material is also transparent, and often unseen and/or unrecognized by others. Still the cloak becomes heavier each day it is worn.

Many deny its existence, but the garment, often called grief, is tenacious and not easy to discard. I have worn mine now for almost two decades. It was never a hand-down because my Mother never discarded hers. She wore it when she said her final goodbye. Until this morning I believed I would do the same.

Today was different because I rarely awake early. When I gazed out the bedroom window, I saw the glory of a breaking dawn. Instantly, I was mesmerized by a view of spectacular beauty. The colors were beyond human description, a display of gold, purple, blue. For a brief moment I stood spellbound, and then I thought I heard my lover say,

“You don’t need it anymore. Embrace the life God has given you.”

It was only then when I knew I could finally remove the cloak..