Reality

I found myself back in my yesterday's three times within a week.  All happy occasions, I might add, but also I became aware that I had to realistically face who I am today

The luncheon was delightful, and we dined in a small restaurant on the corner of 47th Street and 9th Avenue.  That is the same corner I turned every morning for the first six years of my life when Mom and I went to my Maternal Grandmother's home.  As I stood on the corner gazing down the street, for a brief moment I went back in time.  The neighborhood is not drastically different, fewer bars, more restaurants, yet basically intact.  It didn't take more than a minute or two however, before I realized the child of yesterday with her fears and timidity was long gone and no longer existed.  Buildings may remain intact, but not people.

Later as I do monthly, I enjoyed the company of my friends from "The Neighborhood."  As always, we laughed, broke bread and remembered many things, places and people.  Music always brings back a time, a place, a dancing partner, and so it did once again on this occasion.  The song this time was "I Apologize," and the memory was of the now long extinct Hecker Club and its Friday night dances.  And once more as we recalled a special evening with that special song, I realized the lithe young girl of yesterday had long left.  Life and its adventures had led me far, far from that evening of long ago.

Later in the week I found myself sitting in traffic that had stopped midway on one of the beautiful east side streets of our city.  As I gazed out the window I saw a row of elegant town houses.  They were exactly what I had always hoped to own, three stories high, steep stoops with dramatic lanterns framing each black enameled door.  I said to my traveling companion, "If I had a lot of money, that is exactly where I always hoped to live."   She looked at me and said, "Really, do you think you would like that today?"

The traffic moved on and as we went into the tunnel, my friend dozed off, and I thought about her question.

No, I wouldn't like that today, even if I had the financial resources.  The young woman who had those dreams disappeared decades ago, and perhaps I hadn't noticed.  I have become accustomed to suburban living, the convenience of a car, the relative ease of shopping, and the sprawling comfort of a home without close neighbors.  No, I realized, I am no longer that person.

But then the question arose, "Who am I?"  And I did not have an easy answer.  Without a doubt, I am older, indeed much older, but wiser?  No, I don't think so.  Perhaps more seasoned, more experienced, but no, not wiser.

The mistakes I make are still without malice, but still mistakes.  Perhaps in judgment, perhaps still even at this point of life, naivete'.  I have learned hard lessons along the way.  I now know that while time heals many wounds, there are some it cannot touch.  They remain open forever.

I also learned the reality of the saying, "Loved ones are hostages to fortune."  There are some things in life, even the best intentions and unconditional love cannot change.

While I'm glad I remembered the person I was at different times in my life, it was rather like meeting an old friend; someone whose company I once enjoyed, but with whom I now have little in common. 

Another of life's lessons!