When Bullies Grow Up

Bullying is a major concern in schools today and in young people's lives but bullying has always been around.

When I was in 7th grade I attended a Catholic elementary school. My class was made up of all girls, perhaps 50 in the class. We were having a Math lesson in Geometry. Every student had a compass to make circles. This was an instrument with a small pencil on one end and a very sharp metal point on the other end. The point was placed on the paper and the student would draw a perfect circle with the pencil. My teacher, a nun, was called out into the hallway by another teacher leaving her class alone for a few minutes. The class bully picked up her compass and began pointing it at another student. That student jumped up out of her seat and the bully began chasing her victim around the classroom. There was a small window in the classroom door and I swear those nuns had eyes in the back of their head! The door flung open the nun sternly told each girl to come out in the hallway. The rest of the class sat in frozen silence. This was 1968 and you didn't mess with those nuns. I was glad that I was not either one of those girls. The bully was revealed and her parents were called into the principal's office. She was suspended for 2 days. There was never an incident again with a compass.

Everyone has a memory such as mine but do bullies grow up and out of this behavior? I believe that many do but bullies still exist in the grown up world. I can think of friends and family members that have to have their way all the time. So I give in for unimportant moments and hold my ground when I need to do things my way. I have had to end friendships when the bully would not compromise and I was not willing to be their victim. But it is more difficult when the bully is a family member. My way or the highway is their life philosophy. So how do you maintain a relationship with such a difficult personality? Well it helps if they live several states away and your relationship is mostly on the phone. Then you can end a bullying conversation by telling the bully you have to take your dog out for a walk or your pasta pot is boiling over! A simple "white lie" can save you from an unpleasant conversation. And let's face it, we cannot always disown our bullying family member although the thought has crossed my mind.

But how do we handle the local family bully? This is a delicate balancing act. I would still suggest the few and far between visits with the individual. That method has saved me on many occasions. The less contact the better and try to meet your family bully at parties and holiday dinners where there are many other family members to socialize with. Most families have 1 or 2 bullying members but as in my family the bullies are greatly outnumbered by the kind and good family members.

If you have the patience to sit down with your bully you will learn that underneath their bully ways is hurt. There is always a reason why someone becomes a bully no matter how old they might be. No one is born a bully. But their reason for bullying is not an excuse and none of us should tolerate their behavior even if we can understand it. So if we can't change the bully's behavior it is best to have as little contact with them as possible and hope that they will come to realize that their bullying is alienating people that they care about and that will motivate them to change themselves. But if all else fails I would like to find my 7th grade nun and let her do her thing!