1. You confuse Robert Plant with Roger Daltrey.
2. You think Pink Floyd is still Pink Floyd.
3. You forgot why you didn’t want to work for a bank.
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4. You used to dye your hair pink or purple; now you’ll settle for any color that hides the grey.
5. You forgot what you used to chant at demonstrations. Or was it at Woodstock?
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6. Your kids wear your college clothes for Halloween.
7. You forgot that you told somebody something.
8. When you buy high heels now, they’re only 2 inches off the ground.
9. You have to take a disco nap and you’re not even going to a disco.
10. You call clubs "discos."
11. You go to the beauty parlor, not the salon.
12. You can’t quite remember all the words to “Alice’s Restaurant.” Or “Bohemian Rhapsody.”
13. You kind of wish Springsteen’s concerts were shorter.
14. Toe rings hurt.
15. At your college reunion, your friends have to fill you in on junior year.
16. There are no good radio stations in the car.
17. You never start a road trip in the middle of the night, and you always know where you’re going to end up.
18. You take pills in the morning—and not the fun kind, either.
19. You actually can go to sleep without having sex.
20. You no longer fix your ripped hems with gaffer’s tape; you sew them-- but you have to wear glasses to do it.
21. When you dance, you move only half your body, and sometimes it’s the wrong half.
22. You forgot how to do the soul handshake.
23. There’s not enough caffeine in the world to keep you going for 36 hours straight. Not that you went for 36 hours straight back then. You were a little crooked.
24. Driving a stick shift isn’t so fun anymore-- but you can afford that little red sports car you wanted when you were 20.
25. You know how almost every movie is going to end, and you also know who the murderer is.
26. You forgot that you told somebody something.
27. You don’t say, “It’s not you, it’s me” anymore. You know it’s them.
28. You’re not embarrassed to mouth off to anyone who cuts in front of you on line or on the highway.
29. Nobody can embarrass you into buying anything—not the department store sales clerk, the car dealer, the time-share agent, or the protein-shake-and-vitamin-supplement pyramid scheme hustler.
30. When you say “No,” you don’t explain.
31. You don’t hope you die before you get old.
