A BOOMER’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS:

1.     I will stop using expressions from four decades ago, like “Maaaan!” “Far out!” and “Whipping Post!” 

2.     I will admit that I’m never getting back into that black leather miniskirt again, and donate it to my or someone else’s grandchildren. On second thought, maybe if I increase my cardio and stick to Weight Watchers... 

3.     I will stop arguing about who’s God: Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck, or Jimi Hendrix. They’ll have to settle it amongst themselves. 

4.     I will stop griping that for the past 15 years, Corvette Stingrays have looked suspiciously like hatchbacks.

5.     I will stop griping that it’s hard to get in and out of a '68 Stingray. 

6.     I will keep pretending that I can still dance in stiletto heels, even though the first thing I do when I get home is hit speed dial for the chiropractor. 

7.     I will stop being surprised when the person in long hair and tight jeans I’ve been eyeing turns around and is 20 years old. With pierced eyebrows. 

8.     I will remind myself that people with tattoos are not all ex-sailors. They may even be a pregnant Harvard grad who’s head of a Fortune 500 corporation. 

9.     I will stop raising my eyebrows when I hear that college dorm rooms now come equipped with refrigerators, TVs, microwaves, vacuum cleaners, air conditioning, and garbage disposals. And that college students now take spring break in Hawaii or Paris instead of Fort Lauderdale. Sheesh. When I was in college, spring break meant being stuck at home not seeing your friends for week.

10. I will no longer start my sentences with, “When I was...” Or at least I’ll try. 

11. I will act all cazh (that’s short for “casual,” which you probably shouldn’t use because I’m pretty sure it’s from the ‘90s. Or ‘80s) when nieces or nephews are shocked that I’m so cool that I have Pink Floyd albums (yes, that’s right, albums). 

12. I will read the directions to the iPad, laptop, DVR (or whatever thing it is that someone gave me for my birthday without asking), over and over, until I understand how to turn it on, instead of swearing for 20 minutes, bursting into tears, and calling some 6th grader for tech support. (And then I'll act all “cazh” with my friends about how I use it for everything.) 

13.  I will transfer all the contact information written in and whited out and written in again from my Scotch-taped-together address book to my iPhone, iPad, or laptop (or whatever thing it is that someone gave me for my birthday without asking). 

14. I will keep the Scotch-taped-together, handwritten, whited out, and handwritten-all-over-again address book in case I accidentally wipe out my contact list from my iPhone, iPad, laptop (or whatever). 

15. I will stop swearing at Siri when she gets me lost trying to find something a block away. It only confuses her. And makes her keep repeating herself. And makes me swear even harder. And I really don’t want to be stopped by a cop for screaming at my phone while I’m driving. 

16. I will break out my Cheech & Chong albums and see if I still think they’re hysterical when I’m not, you know, umm... 

17. I will attend at least one rock concert a year where I’m not the oldest person there. (Get your John Fogerty tickets now!! I’m serious—he rocks.) 

18.  If any of my fan tee shirts smell like mothballs or choke my armpits, I will, um—throw them in the wash and cut off the sleeves. That way, all those young squirts at the gym will know that I’m still cool. If they even know who Led Zeppelin were. 

19. I will try to stop thinking that other decades were better, and remind myself that I suffered through disco music, airplane smoking sections, Phyllis Schlafly, Giorgio Valenti and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans commercials (with the resulting hike in jeans prices), and subways without air conditioning. 

20. About the return of those annual 10 lbs.: screw ‘em. If I lose them, they’re just gonna show up next year, anyway.