Helping children learn...

Many parents cannot stand to see their children hurt, fail, or make mistakes, because they love them so much. I am one of those parents. When they were very young, I was there to make sure to keep them from bumping their head. As they grew older, it was helping them when they were fighting with a friend. When it came to college applications, I managed the deadlines, and even filled out the on-line applications. At least I had them write their own essays. Why did I step in and rescue them? Why couldn’t I let go?

We do things for our children in the name of love.

Unfortunately, the end result is not good. Children end up feeling entitled, spoiled and pampered. They can struggle with managing their time, cleaning up their mess, or solving problems. They often feel they are incapable, and struggle with self esteem. Many go to college unprepared to take care of themselves, then move home to be taken care of again once they graduate.

So what can we do to help our children become independent, responsible, and resilient?

· We can let our children fall down. When they make a mistake, helping them with questions like, “What did you learn from what happened?” and “How can this problem be solved?” will help them learn important life skills.

· We can let our children know we have faith in them, and encourage them to be imperfect.

· We can proudly share our mistakes, and model the kind of problem solving behavior we want them to use.

· We can be satisfied with who they are, and not expect perfection. Even subtle messages like, “Wow, you got all A’s!” communicates the importance of perfection. Instead, say something like, “Wow, you really tried hard. Congratulations!” This will help children focus on their effort, and expect less perfection.

We each need to decide what we can let go of. If I hadn’t hounded the college application process, might one of our sons missed important deadlines? Maybe. And maybe he would take a year off. And maybe that would be what he needed to be motivated. Was I able to do this. No. And maybe it would have been the better choice. It is still hard to let go…..is the neighborhood okay where one was buying a house? Was the job choice the right one? I continue to bite my tongue and try hard to let them make their own decisions, and live with the consequences. And they continue to grow and learn from their own choices.

If you would like to learn more about Positive Discipline, which helps build connections and relationships, and results in a calmer home, visit www.positivedisciplinect.org. Positive Discipline is based on the work of Dr. Jane Nelsen, built on the principles of Dr. Alfred Adler and Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs.

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