Yorktown Woman Writes a Book About Sibling Loss

It was a rainy February night back in 2000 when Michelle Scavarda, her three siblings and parents were coming back from a vacation in Florida.

At 3 a.m. their vehicle was hit by a drunk driver while driving through Maryland on their way back to Yorktown.

Their minivan flipped over and soon they realized they couldn't find Michelle's younger brother Chris. Although he was wearing his seatbelt, he was ejected out of the vehicle and later pronounced dead at a nearby hospital. 

That traumatic experience left a lasting effect on the family and especially on the siblings who had to deal with the loss of their brother. Now, Scavarda said she hopes others who have experienced such loss can have something to comfort them with her first book, Weeping Willow. 

The message of the book, Scavarda said, is that it's OK to feel pain or guilt, even feel happy when remembering your loved one, or feel any other emotions that come with loss. The book is not a self-help book, but rather a true story of what had happened to her. Each part of the 211-page book contains a separate message.

The hardest part of writing the book, she said, was writing about the accident itself.

Scavarda, now 26, was 14 at the time. Because of her age, she said, she was considered an adult and was called to the same room as her parents when the doctors told them her brother, 12, had passed away. She recollects the doctor's exact words: "He didn't make it." They echoed in her head over and over again. Talking about it is still painful, but a lot of that pain has been absorbed by writing the book, she said. 

"That was challenging," she said. "To be there and see my parents completely fall apart. You don't expect that as a teen."

She said she had to take on a helping role and comfort her parents and try to take away her father's pain. In many ways throughout the years, she would feel alone in coping with the pain herself. 

"The hardest thing with my loss was feeling guilty that I was alive," she said.

She remembers hearing her brother screaming her name when they were hit from behind. And that's the last thing she heard him say. 

"He was a funny, funny kid," Scavarda said of her brother. "A prankster. Loved to pull jokes on people. He was adventurous, loved doing anything outdoors, loved his family, very down to earth and a compassionate person."

Her 15th birthday was three days after the Feb. 27 accident and Scavarda said it took her 10 years to "fully celebrate" again and have a birthday. 

She didn't plan on writing a book, but while pursuing a master's degree in mental health counseling with a personal concentration in trauma and bereavement, a professor encouraged her to write it. 

Coincidentally, the book came out on July 20, which would have been her brother's 24th birthday. 

The title of the book was chosen after a tree the family planted in their backyard in memory of Chris.

In the beginning of the book, Scavarda talks about her family and who they were before the accident; then she describes the accident and everything that came along with it—the wake and burial. Then she writes about how she dealt with the loss of her brother. She even started giving out speeches at various high schools throughout the area about the effects of drunk driving and got a positive response. In the third section she writes about a separate grieving process while she was away at college. 

It was important for her to write the book, she said, because in society the emphasis is one's child loss and not so much on sibling loss. She often felt "pushed aside" as few people acknowledged her and her two surviving siblings, Anna and Matthew, and asked how they were doing.

In general, no matter who you lose, it's always difficult, but through her book, she hopes others who have lost a sibling can relate. 

"It will make them feel less alone knowing that someone went through that," she said. 

She added, "I just want to touch other lives. My point was never to write a book or make money. I just hope there will be someone out there to read it and get something out of it."

Before the accident, she said, she never imagined something like this could ever happen to her or her family. 

"It opened my mind, it's life," she said. "It ends at some point."

Scavarda's quest to help people does not end with the book. She is a volunteer for Door to Hope, an organization that helps teens who are dealing with self-abuse. She has also been a volunteer for the  for the past year, reassuring those who have been in an accident that they will be OK.

To purchase Weeping Willow, you can go to your local Barnes and Noble bookstore or order online at amazon.com.

Here is an excerpt:

"What I had to come to peace with, although it was reality that I lost Chris in a horrific car accident, it was never because I wasn't able to help him. I didn't lose my brother because I couldn't turn my head to get to him in that car. Repeating that and saying it out loud to myself minimizes the guilt and helps me know that this tragic loss was never in my hands to prevent nor anyone else's in my family.

Guilt is an incredibly powerful feeling that at times overrides all other emotions to the point where it's hard to feel anything but guilt. Because of this, because it's so powerful, sometimes it takes longer to work through than any other feeling or emotion that exists after the death of a loved one, and that's okay. In so many words, people have told me to "get over it," get over the whole thing and continue forward. The problem is, you can't continue forward if you just "get over it;" you're just supressing it. In order to really let yourself continue on your personal journey of healing, you must go through it. Not over or around, but straight through."

(At the end of her book, Scavarda asks readers to email her with their questions or comments at weepingwillowloss@hotmail.com)

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