My Kind Of Superpowers

Never mind leaping tall buildings in a single bound, deflecting bullets with magic bracelets or having the super strength to clobber bad guys. Here are a few of the superpowers I’d REALLY love to have: 

Being able to effortlessly give a pill to the cat without getting my arm torn off.

Always choosing the fastest moving line at the Acme.   

Knowing exactly the right words to get a sullen teen to open up and have a conversation, then smile and say “I love you, Mom.”

Being able to remove all the fats, sugar and calories from a delicious slice of pumpkin pie without affecting any of the yummy taste. 

Opening directly to the steamy pages of any bestseller.

Summoning the right devastating retort whenever somebody says something offensive or disrespectful. Instantly! Not two hours later.

Always finding a parking space right in front of the Night Kitchen Bakery.  

Refraining from blurting out  “I got it at Target” every time anyone compliments my attire or décor. 

Magically making a cop appear to give a fat speeding ticket to anybody who scares me half to death by rocketing past me at 90mph on the Blue Route. 

Always getting the seat on a plane that has an empty seat next to it. And is nowhere near the howling baby.  Or else -- 

Being able to magically calm and quiet any howling baby. 

Choosing exactly the right scarf to go with that outfit. 

Recognizing “Mr. Right” the moment I meet him instead of looking back, years later, and realizing that he was “The One.” 

Being able to transfer any huge ugly bug or small fast-moving rodent I find in my house back to its natural habitat without actually touching it. 

Giving fast-onset laryngitis to anybody loudly blathering on a cell phone in the library where I work.

I’d also like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who has annoyed me enough to make me want to clobber them.  But that might be asking for too much…