Marriage Counseling & Men

MARRIAGE COUNSELING & MEN

When I started doing Marriage Counseling in Chestnut Hill and Lower Gwynedd, PA,, the norm was that wives dragged their husbands to couples therapy. Over the past several years, the opposite has been my experience. In fact, husbands initiate the call for counseling with me in about 90% of situations, even higher with remarriages.  

Something has changed. Perhaps men are more willing to ask for coaching, counseling, or a consultation or women are more independent or “fed up”.

Marriage Therapist Michele Weiner Davis describes women as the ones who take a daily temperature on the status of relationships. Sensing disconnection or that things aren’t going well, they point out their husband’s behavior as a way to engage in a change conversation with the hope that “if he cared enough” he’d make an effort.

Unfortunately, this approach, while it seems wise and direct, is viewed by the husband as criticism, not much of a motivator. This approach can result in a blame cycle leading to withdrawal since the couple may not yet have the skills to change.

It’s like asking someone to fix a broken window without the tools and training to do so. You mention the break over and over again expecting it to be fixed. Get frustrated when it stays the same. If a strategy is not working we tend to double down on it since it’s hard to step back and learn a more effective approach. That’s where counseling works.   

Mechanics

So I liken it to selling your car when it’s not running without first going to a mechanic to see what can be done to repair the problem. Sometime the mechanic sees things you don’t as an untrained owner. Sometimes there are major issues to fix while other times you may be surprised to discover that a few smaller changes can have a big impact. Once that part is done, as the owner you need to practice ways to maintain the vehicle so it continues to run smoothly.

When your marriage is on a rocky road you can bring out the worst in each other. Likewise when things are better you can bring out each other’s strengths and rediscover what brought you together in the first place. Sometimes the exact things that attracted you to your partner can at times be a source of frustration and disappointment.

Stuck

What we sometimes overlook is that relationships form a pattern creating a dynamic or interaction that is not working. Often it’s the pattern or relationship that needs to change as much as each individual’s contribution to the issues.

Marriage Counseling experts know that all marriages go through periods of tension, disillusionment, disappointment, and questioning if relationships are worth the work. All of them. Some couples stay stuck there, others move on then eventually repeat the pattern in the next relationship, while others see this as an opportunity to finally get help and work through these issues to restore and reinvigorate their current or future relationship.

Commitment

A commitment made when things are at their best gets tested when things are at a low point.

Through Marriage Counseling or Individual Relationship Coaching in my offices in Lower Gwynedd and Chestnut Hill, PA near Lafayette Hill and Jenkintown, I’ve seen countless couples come back from the brink of unhappiness and intense dissatisfaction.

Marriage Counseling is hard work. You and your family are worth it.

Deb Owens is a Licensed Counselor and Relationship Coach in Chestnut Hill and Montgomery County, PA near Lafayette Hill and Jenkintown. She works with individual and couples and specializes in relationship issues, parents and partners affected by another’s alcohol or drug use, anxiety, and mid-life transitions.

www.debowens.com

215-802-6521