People say stupid things. How to handle hurtful comments when you are struggling to conceive.

For women struggling with infertility other people’s reactions can feel hurtful and leave many feeling misunderstood and judged.

You said what?! (Hurtful comments by category)

1. Trying to find the bright sight/ consolation gift:

• “Enjoy single life while you have it, having children is a lot of work!!”
• “You are lucky to have your thin body- enjoy it!”
• “I wish I had time to shop for myself/enjoy my husband/watch tv/go out etc. etc.”
• “If you really want one, you can have mine. S/he is driving me nuts!”
• “Having kids is really expensive, you should enjoy not having that headache on your head”

2. Attempt to comfort:

• “You are young anyways, you have years to try”
• “I know it will happen for you”
• “You can always just adopt”

3. Offering Unsolicited Advice:

• “If you relax it will happen”
• “Stop focusing on it so much”
• “Maybe you are trying too hard”
• “ It will probably happen for you if you just take a break.. My (friend/family member) got pregnant when she stopped trying”

4. Questioning whether you are worthy of having a family in the first place:

• “You sure this is something you and your partner are emotionally/financially ready for?”
• “God/the universe will give you children when you are ready to have them”

Where do these comments come from?/Why would someone say that?! These comments often represent the others person’s attempt to manage their own feelings of  discomfort that arise when they are forced to sit with feeling out of control, powerless, guilty, and sad. When you share with someone that you struggle with fertility you are essentially reminding that person that there are natural things in life that are not a given. This can create a mini existential crisis for some. Often, all of this is occurring outside of that individual’s awareness, but if we were to zoom in on their experience in that moment, we would probably see someone who feels uncomfortable. They are now sitting with a small iota of the feelings you have been experiencing.

Many people do not like to sit with discomfort and will do anything possible to have it disappear. Those who freely offer you advice, such as telling you that your anxiety is to blame for your fertility struggles, may be attempting to grab onto a semblance of control in response to their own feelings of powerlessness. Those telling you that having children is stressful are likely dealing with their feelings of guilt regarding the fact that they were able to do something that you are struggling with. When someone suggests adoption or tells you to relax they may be hoping that there is an “easy” way to solve this problem. Those who tell you it will happen and that you have time, or that you will have your child when you are emotionally/spiritually ready, are likely trying to restore the internal order that gets disrupted at the notion that sometimes things don’t work as they are supposed to. They reason that things are supposed to happen naturally and so if they are not happening it must be an indication of something deficient in you and your partner. After all, by assuming that infertility struggles are due to character deficits in the person who is struggling then it is fixable, right? One just needs to calm down, become more mature and spiritual, stop trying so hard, and don’t forget to relax!! Simple, right?

So, it is their stuff, but where does that leave me?? The instinct to want to push difficult feelings away is something you can probably relate to. After all, if you have been struggling to conceive then confronting uncomfortable and painful feelings is a process you are likely very familiar with. When people say hurtful things to us, they are showing us that they have not honed in on the skill of learning to sit with their discomfort. They are also communicating that they may not be in touch with their own feelings and reactions. Depersonalizing the comment by understanding that it is more of a reflection of the other person’s challenges and less about you as a person, may allow you to remain in the conversation in a different way and might change the way that you experience the other person.

Understanding the context does not lessen the sting that these comments produce but the act of pausing with yourself to wonder where the comment may be coming from is a way of creating space. The space you create will allow room for you to notice your feelings and reactions and then help you to determine what you might be needing in that moment. After this check-in, you can determine how you would like to proceed in the interaction. In some instances, giving yourself permission to politely exit the conversation may be your way of exercising your power and an expression of self care.

Self compassion. In the moments when you feel hurt, angry, and sad, imagine giving yourself a huge compassionate hug. The person in front of you may not understand what you have been through and what you continue to go through, but these experiences and feelings are something that you understand and know intimately. Use this understanding to show yourself the compassion that you deserve. Remind yourself that you are having natural responses to a process that is quite unnatural. The feelings are not an indication that you are defective, but on the contrary a signal that you are a person with the capacity to feel deeply. It is a reminder that what you are going through is significant. You are important and your feelings are an important part of your experience.

Rebecca E. Gras, PsyD. is a Licensed Psychologist providing individual and group therapy in Chestnut Hill, PA. Phone: 267-825-7530, Email: DrGras@DoctorGras.com. www.doctorgras.com