This 'Beast' is Toothless

I worked in a book and video store in college, and one of the staff’s favorite films to play on mute was “La Belle et la Bete,” Jean Cocteau’s 1946 iteration of the classic French fairytale "Beauty and the Beast."

It’s doubtful one needs a synopsis since Disney’s already had its way with it, but Beauty and the Beast is the story of a beautiful and kind woman who falls in love with a beast, despite his outer appearance, who turns out to be a hot prince.

Cocteau’s ethereal yet dark masterpiece is one of the most transcendent fantasy films of all time. The scene when the beast dies (temporarily) in Belle’s arms still haunts me after all these years and multiple viewings. Disney’s version has a similar moment when we think Belle’s declaration of love seems moments too late.

With such dark romanticism, it seems totally natural that the story be remade into a lame teen movie without all that pesky mortality, sacrifice and torture of the original fairytale. Beastly is that poorly-made contemporary telling that is, sadly, only skin deep.

Beastly paints our prince—Kyle (Alex Pettyfer), the son of a successful New York news anchor—as a whiny rich boy who’s not only stupid, but really mean. During the debates for president of the environmental club at his posh Manhattan high school, Kyle takes note of the confident scholarship kid, Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens). She’s running for treasurer only because no one dares oppose this jerky Adonis. The two have a few exchanges that are supposed to indicate some kind of sexual tension, but completely fail to do so.

Later at the big dance, Kyle publically humiliates the wrong freak and ends up being cursed by an Olsen twin in some sort of Goth/Wiccan/hobo-chic garb. In a matter of hours, Kyle is transformed from sculpted blonde perfection to a tattooed, scarred, open-cut and boil-ridden beast (though still sculpted).

The Wiccan chick brands him with a rose bush tattoo, and gives him an hourglass that gives him a year to find true love in his current form to learn a lesson about not being such a big jerk or something.

The new ugly Kyle, rejected by his looks-obsessed father and banished to one of the boroughs, spends his days hiding and his nights stalking Lindy. This is a good thing because he saves her one night and convinces her father to let Lindy live with him to protect her from the drug dealers that are after daddy. How chivalrous of them both. Kyle hides his true identity from Lindy and proceeds to woo her, and if she happens to fall in love with him and lift the curse—bonus!

All of this sounds sort of fun except for one major distraction—the fact that Hudgens (and whichever Olsen twin that is) is incapable of delivering lines in a remotely interesting way. Sure, we all expect the plot to be convenient, contrived, boring and predictable, but the real surprise is how terrible the acting is—and Hudgens is the biggest offender. She seems to have only one expression —soullessly naïve, yet calculating.

Lindy is supposed to come from the wrong side of the tracks—her father’s an addict, and she volunteers nights giving out medical supplies to under-the-bridge dwellers—but she’s far from the gritty, fire-fueled poor chick they seem to be going for in this updated version.

Hudgens is out of her depth even in a tepid damsel-in-distress teen fairy tale, and for a cheesy flick like this to work, the female lead has commit.

These two are quite a pair. Kyle is shallow brat almost too dimwitted to learn his inner-beauty lesson, and Lindy is so boring and accepting. The two just cancel the whole point of the story out, especially since the only things keeping them apart are cell phone interruptions and Lindy’s looming school trip to Mexico.

Pettyfer is giving it all he’s got, and I think I saw a flash of “I gave up modeling for this?” in his eyes. The dialogue is trite, the danger and consequences are footnotes, and “the beast” picks up an either injured or passed out “beauty” like three times.

The two supposedly fall in love during a time-lapsed reading of “Having a Coke with You,” but their relationship never seems to evolve past “like.” This movie just seems to be an excuse for a strong dude to carry around that chick from High School Musical—be she knocked unconscious by her pathetic father’s drug dealer or by slipping off the stone path at her ugly, yet exceedingly rich, boyfriend’s lake castle. 

Beastly is not a completely humorless effort, though I wish it were way more self-aware and cheeky. Neil Patrick Harris plays Kyle’s blind, fashion-conscious private tutor and uses his consummate comedic timing to get some decent blind jokes in there. [Side note: Is there a way to declare NPH a national sitcom treasure? Because it’s really reached that point, people.] Anyway, he has some great bits, and even Pettyfer gets a laugh or two.

Peter Krause (Parenthood, Six Feet Under) plays Kyle’s neglectful father, and he really has to get a better agent because he is so much better than this.

It’s not that I was expecting Cocteau or even Disney, but there have been plenty of clever, surprisingly watchable teen adaptations of the classics—from Clueless and O to 10 Things I Hate About You and Bring it On—wait, scratch that last one. Unfortunately, Beastly’s casting and lack of real drama or danger just makes it a hacky retelling of a tragic, but happy story, except with all the tragedy omitted and a whole lot of sap added in its place.

Sure, some dude has to be ugly (in a subculture kind of way) for a year, but in the end, it’s obvious that everyone is super relieved that he’s pretty again, and no one got hurt (except one drug dealer). 

This damsel did not swoon at this saccharine and far from fantastical adaptation. Unless you’re a 13-year-old girl with mainstream tastes and nothing to do this weekend, best to avoid this toothless beast of a movie.

"Beastly" is now playing at:

UA King Of Prussia Stadium 16 & IMAX, 300 Goddard Blvd., King Of Prussia.

AMC Plymouth Meeting 12, 494 W. Germantown Pike, Plymouth Meeting.

Regal Marketplace at Oaks Stadium 24, 180 Mill Road, Oaks.

For more of Megan Carr’s movie reviews and media musings, visit her website at therestiscreamcheese.com.