Adam and Eve

I'm going out on a politically incorrect limb here, but there is a fundamental difference between men and women. In fact, at times I wonder why men and women spend time together at all, because their styles of communicating couldn't be more incompatible.

Having raised three sons, like a suburban Jane Goodall, I've had the opportunity to live with and study the male species in their natural habitat for 28 years. Everyone talks about boys being more boisterous than girls, but the more striking difference to me is in how they communicate.

Women LOVE to talk. Men DO NOT. This probably causes as much conflict in a relationship as money. In what could prove to be a major breakthrough in couples counseling, it occurs to me that women should not feel slighted when the men in their lives don't listen. This behavior should be treated as we would any idiosyncrasy. Once we acknowledge that men have little control over it, then it's easier not to be offended by it.

"My husband doesn't listen to me!" becomes "Isn't that endearing, he's not listening again."

Observe men and women talking to each other sometime and notice their styles. Usually, a woman's main goal is not to relate a story using as few words as possible, but a man's "listening tolerance" only lasts for about three minutes. If the man happens to be watching television, then that tolerance must be lowered to the length of a commercial.

When I have a “great” story to tell one of my sons, I've learned to make sure they are willing to listen to the whole thing before I begin. It's helpful to prepare them for the length of time needed to stop what they are doing and feign interest. The only problem with this is that I am doing the women in their lives a great disservice, unless the women have been made aware of the policy and, more importantly, are willing to accept it.

In order to protect their identities, I will not reveal my source, but I know a man who actually begins to walk away during conversations with his wife. This is his nonverbal clue that he is done listening. While she could take this as a personal affront and even be tempted to force him to finish the "conversation," the more powerful option is to laugh it off, knowing that she inadvertently broke the three minute rule.

Allow me to share the following conversation I had with one of my sons:

Me: "So, did John decide who he is taking to homecoming?"

Son: "I don't know, we didn't talk about that."

Me: "Did you hear that Dan's family is going away for spring break?"

Son: "No, we didn't talk about that."

Me: "Do you have any plans for the weekend?"

Son: "Not yet..."

On the flip side, I once gave a friend's daughter a ride home from school and I found out more information in that 10 minute ride than I had from my son in a month.

I have read that women thrive on communication, whereas men tend to communicate through actions. I suspect that more serious discussions between men take place on the basketball court or golf course than anywhere else. Therefore, I'd like to suggest that whenever possible, women save lingering conversation for their female friends, but if they want to talk with their sons or significant others, they should join them in the driveway for a game of "around the world."