~What is death~

I sit and look at photos of my family. I enjoy the memories I associate with each photo I shuffle through. Each picture I can still hear the conversations of yesterday.  At times I catch myself turning away, shielding my eyes because of the hurt some photos bring.  It’s a good hurt, it’s the memories, the love, the smiles, they make me want more. The pain is in the details for me, remembering where I was, what I had and where I have been and what I have done. One burning question I can’t answer or understand while looking at all photos in my collection is the idea of ‘what is death?’

People move about the world expecting each day to be like the next, never expecting a rotten monumental life altering moment to occur.  But each person you cross paths with lives a different normal everyday. We all cope with a different idea of what our day to day lives should be filled with.  Some have pain, joy, confusion, disillusion or hide away. I watch people on the sidewalks having conversations, while others are laughing, crying or eating.  I wonder about them all with the same question in my mind, what is their fate?  Are they going to win the lottery? Get married? Die young? Have they had pain? What will happen when they get older?  So many people live like aging is never going to happen while others some fight it.  I don’t run away from the thought I will be 40 one day. I sit and wonder what will I be like, if I’m here. Will I be married? With kids? Will my kids be healthy? Will my life have meaning?

Death changes lives, for me death challenged my whole existence. I miss my parents, I miss them so very much, but I also am so thankful I had that experience of losing them. I saw so much beauty from the pain of their passing and how I reacted to life. Now back to that burning question I asked about death. It’s not the idea of death I wonder about, it’s what is death?  For me it’s a motivator, a key to my life to understand what I want from me.

August 8, 2005 was the day my dad passed away. With his anniversary this week I wonder what my dad thought about when he was dying? What were some of his thoughts?

It hurts to think my parents thought of knowing that for them there is no tomorrow.  I wonder if that is the hardest part of knowing you will pass.  Forced into thinking in such hard, final terms as this is it.  Most people that have a bad day think ‘today sucked, tomorrow is another day.’  But for those with no tomorrow, what now?  What do you think? Regret?  A bucket list of what ifs? Do you wonder if you have done all you could? The impact you have had?

What about those that die in a accident, just one second later or earlier they would be alive, what about them?  The idea of an unexpected loss sounds unbearable to me. I view myself thankful I had the idea of death planted in my mind long before it happened. I wonder If I didn’t know about the death of my dad, how that would be. If it just happened on a beautiful summer day, what then? Where would I be?  Are we all pre-destined? Is his death a series of moments that have ricocheted together leading to my fate? That will be for another day.

On the other hand, watching death take over by way of sickness hurts.  Wipes you out,  your mind just always waiting for more bad news to arrive COD. I know I will die one day, just like everybody.  My one request, if death takes requests is I go while in my sleep. I don’t know what my future holds or when my time will be up.  I don’t worry about that because it’s out of my hands.  In my hands I hold a key to the one thing I understand about my future. It’s limitless.

I once thought I had no choice in what I could do with myself.  Where I could go in life, I thought I was doomed, broken and a worthless person that took up air. Don’t wonder about how much time you have left, I am asking you to spend what time you have to the fullest. I feel all people are born for something special. People have dreams, hopes that they can convince themselves are just that, a dream.  I urge for those reading this to grab life, live and love life. I used to look for happiness in life. Could never seem to find what I was looking for. I gave my life meaning, now I am happy all the time.  Go out and discover and embrace why you are special and amazing. You will be at the end of the road one day, I don’t want you sitting thinking about your life with regret.  There is no point in not trying to live and do everything you can.  If people stop you, find another way, this is your life, you do you.

Living may not always be easy, but either is death.

~ Happy reading

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