How Can Mothers Be Better Role Models For Daughters?

Back-to-school shopping can be a real eye opener for parents, moms in particular, when it comes to the fashion available for today’s young girls and teens. 

You realize that like it or not, the styles that are offered are made for girls who have a size-2 body, where not much is left to the imagination.  Well, that’s not completely true — a mother’s imagination (never mind a father’s) can very well conjure up images about what this scant fashion could lead to.  Yikes!

This is just the tip of the iceberg for the pressure that the media, society, and sadly, sometimes we as mothers, put on our young daughters. I can attest to this firsthand when I candidly admit that in times past, I’ve yapped about the weight I’ve gained or how I am not so fond of my papier-mâché neck in front of my young daughters, who truly do look up to me as a role model, not a fashion model.

Why is it that moms catch themselves making certain comments to their children, and then grimace as they realize they are "becoming" their mothers? In honor of back-to-school time, our Gansett Mom’s Council talked about the impact that we as mothers have on our daughters and their self-concepts.

The Power of Media Images

The average teen girl gets about 180 minutes of media exposure and only about 10 minutes of parental interaction a day, says Renee Hobbs, EdD, associate professor of communications at Temple University.

In an attempt to emulate the countless media images they view, girls often take drastic measures. Many end up with very low self-esteem; some with dangerous eating disorders.

"We're seeing girls at younger ages starting to be dissatisfied with their bodies, proactively trying to change them, and feeling like they need to emulate something different than what their bodies can do," says Elissa Gittes, MD, a pediatrician in the division of adolescent medicine at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh.

So what's a parent to do? Hide every magazine, turn off every TV, and ban Barbie dolls, those incredibly thin yet curvaceous toys favored by girls as young as 3? Banning media exposure altogether may backfire.

"It only creates the forbidden fruit phenomenon," says Hobbs.

Checkout My Pop Studio

I recently visited My Pop Studio after reading about it on Facebook, and I have to say it was a real eye opener.  If you visit the parent and teacher section, you will learn that My Pop Studio is a creative play experience that strengthens critical thinking skills about television, music, magazines and online media directed at girls.

Developing media literacy skills is increasingly important in a world where girls spend much of their everyday life consuming and creating media. Parents and educators can highlight the learning outcomes of My Pop Studio by encouraging girls to share and discuss activities on the site.

Visitors to the site, which is targeted at adolescent girls, can actually "create" their own celebrity images based on a host of physical attributes.

Results have proved that the majority of girls who engage in this online activity make themselves over to appear thin, white, and blonde – even girls whose appearance differs substantially from that "ideal" Image. Seeing these unrealistic self-images their daughters create gives parents a starting place for dialogue about body image as portrayed by the media.

And let’s be honest, it isn’t just the media that causes our daughters to strive for perfection—peer pressure and trying to look like popular girls is also an unfortunate motivator. 

Talk to Girls About Who They Are, Not What They Look Like 

Stephanie Jenson has two daughters, ages 8 and 15, and she said that her younger daughter is already asking to wear makeup. This summer she wanted to wear bikinis only.

“When I asked my 8-year-old why she feels the need to be so grown up, she blurted out that all the girls in her grade bring makeup to school and only fat girls wear one-piece bathing suits.”

My sister recommended a book to me written by Lisa Bloom called Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-down World.

According to the book, American women know more about the latest celebrity break-ups and make-ups than we do about government or current events.  Bloom suggests that we talk to girls, the younger the better, around 4 and 5, about who they are, not what they look like.

She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain.

For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets being slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand?

You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does. 

Set an Example by Cultivating Your Own Self Care and Interests

Children learn by example, regardless if it’s something good or bad. Most kids look up to their parents and try to mimic them in some way, shape or form, so this is the time to show your daughters, nieces, granddaughters or any other special girl in your life what’s important in this world.

One example is how you behave in the checkout line at the grocery store.  Do you automatically gravitate to People magazine or the latest Enquirer (We’ve all done it!), or do you grab a magazine such as Time or Newsweek that talks about the latest current events? 

Remember, your kids are watching.  Monkey see — Monkey do! If they see you gravitate towards reading material that focuses on the critical events of the world, they are more likely to as well.

How about a hobby of your own?  Does your daughter see that you have carved out time just for yourself to swim at the YMCA or take art classes on a regular basis to expand on your love of painting? 

If you show your children that you value yourself as an individual as well as a mother and a wife, you are setting a wonderful example about how important it is to enrich your life with things that make you feel passionate.

Your daughter may enjoy engaging in your hobbies with you, or she might get ideas of her own pursuits by watching you. Either way, she'll understand that it’s important to pursue interests of her very own based on what gets her creative juices flowing.

Focus On Health, Not Weight

If you have a daughter that is on the heavy side, the worst thing you can do is tell her she’s fat and needs to get herself on a diet and lose weight immediately.  This ties right in with focusing on a negative body image, and will usually make your sweet daughter feel even less good about how she looks and can lead to eating disorders and other harmful conditions. 

By changing the focus from losing fat so she’ll look more attractive, we need to change gears and put the focus on the positive behaviors that boost health and wellness. Rather than measuring the outcome in terms of pounds lost or fat gained, talk about how healthy behavior influences our mood, energy, stress levels and quality of sleep.

To positively influence our own wellness and self-esteem, we need to set a healthy example by enjoying nutritious foods rather than scoffing down candy bars and chips when we need a quick energy fix. 

Also, if we want our kids to be more active, we obviously need to show them by doing this on a regular basis in our own lives. This is a great opportunity to improve our own strong well-being, because if we can model these healthy behaviors and make it clear that it's because we feel better, then we do ourselves a world of good, as well as our daughters.

Accept Your Daughter For Who She Is

Many of us can’t help but dream about all the wonderful things we hope will happen for our daughters when we rock them in our arms as infants. They’ll have it all — beauty, brains, success, and they’ll live happily ever after.

That’s just unrealistic! Sure, it would be great, but there will be bumps along the way and probably major detours on that journey we know as life, so one of the best gifts we can give to our daughters (make that any child) is to show them unconditional love. Be accepting of her dreams, and recognize her special gifts.

We would love to have you share your thoughts with us on ways women can be better role models for the young girls in their lives.  Please let us know here in the comment section, or e-mail me at CB091987@aol.com. You can also contact our editor, Stephen Greenwell, at Stephen.Greenwell@patch.com.

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