How Do You Handle Other People’s Obnoxious Children?

They sit behind you in the movie theater. There are two or three who somehow suck the life out of you during the Girl Scout meeting you graciously hold at your home twice a month.

It never fails: once you find the perfect spot to lay your beach blanket, two coolers and three heavy chairs there they are — kicking sand in your face while their own mother casually and comfortably reads her new novel one umbrella over. And when you and your husband finally get out for a romantic dinner at that cozy new Italian restaurant around the corner, two more appear at the table next to you with game consoles beeping and blaring, in between screeching to their parents about what a lame place this is to be eating.

We won’t even bother to talk about being on a five-hour non-stop flight from Providence to Los Angeles with them.

Who are they and what can we do when our paths cross with them?  

The little darlings we are referring to are children, more specifically obnoxious children. Oh, not our own of course: we’re talking to a large handful of other people’s kids. This is definitely a very touchy subject, particularly when they just might be your best friend’s kids or how about your sister-in-law’s daughter? Most of us at one time (or many times) or another have been in the company of intolerable behavior by someone else’s kids whether it's at the playground, a birthday party, at the mall or worse in your own home when you’re entertaining the local playgroup.  This week our NK’s Parents' Council chimed in on how they handle other people’s pesty children.

No One’s Kids Are Perfect

Because all of us who were weighing in on this sensitive subject are parents, we readily admit that none of us have a single perfect child. That said, we ourselves have been placed in an uncomfortable situation like when a six year old wants to kick the seat in front of him at the movie theater and entertain his younger brother with all the bodily noises he can produce until the nice lady sitting in front of him turned around and snapped at him before you could even get the words out of your mouth to ask him to please not do that.

That kind of scenario happens to the best of us, and we try to address those things head on so that they don’t irritate another’s good time. That’s not always the case, however. What about the kid who sits in the pew behind you at church and snaps gum, flips the pages of the hymnal as loudly as she can and causes a scene about how boring church is while you and your family are trying to listen to the pastor, all while her parents ignore it and do absolutely nothing?

When the Child’s Actions Are Disturbing In A Group Setting, Gently Speak Up

If a situation comes up as with the church scenario above, the group unanimously agreed that they would kindly and gently turn around and whisper a friendly comment such as “Oh, I know what you’re going through. Our youngest used to carry on like that in church, too, so we finally had to remove him to the cry room so that we wouldn’t disturb the people around us.” If those subtle words don’t work, you might boldly consider coming right out and asking one of the parents if there is anything you can do to help, otherwise, would they please quiet their youngster so those around them could hear the sermon? 

Hey, if you can’t be kind in church, then where can you be? Although it may be uncomfortable, especially in public, it’s far better than rolling your eyes and mumbling under your breath. Chances are you might get added reinforcement from another family sitting close by if it’s handled in a nice manner.

Dealing with a Defensive Parent

Many parents are defensive when it comes to taking any criticism about their child, regardless of whether or not it is deserved or well intended. If you do confront a parent about his/her child’s rude or inappropriate behavior at the playground, and he/she responds with an attitude or is completely shocked by your criticism of the child, you may have to try being a bit cagey to nicely get his/herattention. 

As with our friends in church, you might try saying something like "Gee, my older son used to hate taking turns waiting to go up the slide when we went to the playground. In fact, sometimes he would do it just to get show off in front of his friends. The way that I got him to stop it was to...." and then give a suggestion or two. In this way you are taking the blame first (defensive folks like that — they hate to be criticized), and they just may listen.

It's worth a try, but you have to be willing to take it on the chin initially. If being cagey isn’t for you, there truly is nothing wrong with talking to the parent about how that behavior might cause harm to another child who is there playing.  You aren’t disciplining the child for her bad playground manners, you are pointing this out to the child’s parent who will hopefully intervene.  If the parent does not cooperate, however, it’s best to take your child to another part of the playground where he won’t stand a chance of getting hurt. Perhaps if the parent sees that you are taking an action to remove your own child from harm’s way (that would be her child) she might take it more seriously.

How about when a friend's child is a guest in your home and is acting up?
Discuss your house rules in 25 words or less with your guest and your child.  Your child should obviously know your house rules, but it makes an impression on your own kid to know that you’re taking the time to reinforce these to his friend so that he is accountable as well.   No jumping on couches, no throwing balls. Outside behavior stays outside. If this doesn't work and the little pill continues, give a warning that his mother will be called if it occurs again. If the bad behavior continues — call his mother, who probably won't be available since she's not answering her cell phone because she desperately needs a break from her own kid and knows it.  

At the very least, use this as a teachable moment to show your child how frustrating this is, that his little pal will not be invited over again.  When his mom does finally arrive, you can take this golden opportunity to make a comment such as, “I don’t know if Mikey is going to want to come back and play at our house. It seems we have a few too many rules for his liking.”

Scolding a child that isn’t your own has been earmarked taboo for ages, so what do you do if a kid becomes annoying around you out in public?
Our no-nonsense group of parents weas all clear on this message. First, try the friendly approach without dispensing parenting or child discipline advice. This will hopefully keep a defensive parent at bay. If this doesn’t work, short of dropping a brick on the perfect parent’s head, it is really doing the obnoxious child a disservice if someone doesn’t speak directly to the parent about the annoying behavior, particularly if it is distracting in a setting like a restaurant, public transportation, or certainly someone else’s home. 

This takes guts, but if you make a comment to the parents dining beside you like “Oh, I can really appreciate how rambunctious little boys can be. We have four ourselves, and though we enjoy eating with them most nights, tonight my husband and I are hoping to enjoy a little peace and quiet.”  They will either take responsibility and quiet them down, or you have now at least spoken up and can ask your waiter to please move you to another table.  If they’re bothering you, chances are they are bothering others around you as well. 

Bottom Line—Do Something!

There are no perfect kids, but in today’s overscheduled, hectic world there seem to be more noticeably rude and irritating behaviors that go unnoticed by too many parents.  With more adults intervening when appropriate the popular expression “It takes a village to raise a child” is definitely being put to the test.  Bottom line, if a lack of discipline lets children get away with unacceptable behavior, they'll conclude the world revolves around them and they won't learn consideration or respect.  Parents don't always know what to do. The answer? Do something.

Ever been in a similar situation?   Please let us know in the comments.  Also, if you’re interested in joining our NK Parent’s Council or have a question you’d like us to tackle, please e-mail me at CB091987@aol.com or e-mail our editor, Samantha Turner at Samantha.Turner@patch.com