The More Things Change, The More They're Just As Nuts

THE CAPTAIN AND THE KEG

The man actually wanted to shoot him!

For months, Captain Putnam had enjoyed finding ways to annoy Major Hayward. The stuffy English nobleman looked down his nose at Colonists in general, and the captain in particular. And apparently Captain Putnam had succeeded all too well. An hour ago, his sergeant had come into his tent, quite agitated.

“Sir, I was just told by Major Hayward’s Aide that he intends to challenge you to a duel. He’s coming to see you this evening.”

It was 20 years before the American Revolution, and the English and their American Colonists were fighting on the same side, against the French and their Native American allies.

Captain Putnam paced in his tent. As the person being challenged, of course, he had the choice of weapons. But although he was a pretty good shot with a rifle, he was not with a pistol, and he knew the major was an expert marksman. And while he was not a bad swordsman, he knew he was nowhere near as good as the major at that, either. He wasn’t afraid of facing death, but he had no intention of dying off the battlefield, for something as trivial as a conceited fool’s pride. There had to be a better way….

When Major Hayward entered Captain Putnam’s tent that evening, he found the Captain sitting on a powder keg, surrounded by English and Colonial Officers. Another powder keg sat a short distance away.

“I hear you have a Challenge to offer me,” said the captain. “Now you know I’m just a poor humble Yankee, sir, and have never fired a dueling pistol. You would have me at a disadvantage. Let me offer a more equitable test between us. You see that I have two kegs here. Into each I have bored a hole and inserted a slow match. I will sit on one, and you on the other, and we will see who gets up and departs first.”

The major was set to bluster and refuse, but the catcalls and jeers of the officers in the tent caused him, finally, to march stiffly to the other powder keg and seat himself. Two officers stepped forward and lit the matches. The captain sat calmly smoking his pipe, seeming to be totally relaxed. But the major could not help fidgeting. As the matches grew shorter, the other Officers started leaving the tent. As the last man hurried through the flap, the Major jumped to his feet and yanked out his match.

“I yield,“ he cried. “Pull out your match, man. The contest is over and you have won.”

“Oh, there’s no hurry,” said Captain Putnam. “These kegs are full of onions.”

For the last few years, a lot of folks have been screaming at us, that we’re sitting on powder kegs, and we‘re all going to blow up. Usually it’s the same folks. Over and over. It’s getting to be a bit wearying, especially since every time we go and investigate what all the ruckus is about, we find that those jokers have just been filling those kegs with onions again.

Now, I don’t mind a joke. In Captain Putnam’s case, it was to prevent trouble from happening. But these folks today seem to be intent on causing trouble, instead. What bothers me most is that they hold positions that used to be respected. They are trading on our faith in those titles of integrity to cheat and manipulate us. It used to be when a journalist stood for truth, and a statesman stood for greatness. And now they’ve both become nothing more than peddlers for the Onion Barons.

I know, I know, and you’re absolutely right — there seem to be a lot of powder keg alarms going off, on both sides. But once somebody’s fooled me with onions, I’m not about to take that person — or anything he has to say — seriously again. And these days, the stink of onions is definitely coming more from one side of the aisle than the other. In this old storyteller’s opinion, of course.