Many Americans struggle with knowing what to say when someone dies, especially if the death is unexpected.
Patch found multiple examples of what not to say in an internet search.
Don’t say “I can’t imagine how you feel.” Imagining that a person is sad, overwhelmed, heartbroken, scared or apprehensive about the future isn’t that hard.
Don’t offer silver linings, such as that your loved one is “in a better place” or is “free of pain.”
If a friend’s spouse died at a relatively young age, resist the urge to say, “You’re still young. You’ll meet someone to spend the rest of your life with.”
Don’t say, “It’s time to move on.” There’s no timeline for grief. And don’t say, “Time is a healer.”
Don’t forget the grieving person after the initial swell of support. Don’t wait for the grieving person to reach out to you with something like, “Let me know if you need anything.”
Don’t tell someone who had a miscarriage, “You’re young. You can always try again.”
Don’t diminish the loss of a pet. Don’t say, “You can always get another dog,” or “Your cat lived a long life.”
Don’t just avoid mentioning the person who has died, or avoid the survivors entirely, especially in a violent death.
People who have lost someone to suicide don’t want to hear, “Do you know why?” Avoid judgments against the person, such as that they were selfish and cowardly or even brave or strong. Experts also caution against platitudes like “you’re strong; time will heal your pain” or that the person “is finally at peace.” Such clichés are rarely comforting and can leave the bereaved person feeling misunderstood and more isolated.
But what should you say?
When you were grieving, what was the most comforting or helpful thing someone said to you? We’re asking for The Question, Patch’s exclusive column on etiquette and what to do in different situations. Just fill out the survey below. (We don’t collect email addresses.)
Please share the details of your loss — whether it was a spouse, child, friend, or beloved pet — and explain why that specific comment offered the most support.
The Question is an exclusive Patch series posing a broad array of questions on etiquette and what to do in certain situations — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you'd like for us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “The Question” as the subject line.
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