Back when many of today's parents were kids, birthday parties were casual, low-stress events focused on fun and cheap junk food, with perhaps a trip to a skating rink or bowling alley or, if they could talk their parents into it, Chuck E. Cheese's.
Such parties still happen. But more and more, kids' birthday parties are themed events requiring costumes or trips to amusement parks or zoos with hefty admission prices.
For The Question — Patch's exclusive column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren't quite as clear as everyone pretends they are — we asked whether the old birthday-party rules still apply.
In general, respondents to our informal survey think kids' birthday parties have gotten more complicated, expensive and over-the-top, while basic manners — RSVP on time, don't bring uninvited siblings and respect "no gifts" if that's what the host says — seem to be slipping.
A Montgomeryville-Lansdale (Pennsylvania) Patch reader understands the dilemma of trying to plan a party with an unclear head count.
"I'm going through this right now for my 8-year-old's birthday party. We only invited a handful of close friends. Two people haven't RSVP'd by the deadline, and one person invited their sibling. Both are not OK, in my opinion. Inviting a sibling without asking is a big no-no, especially since it's an intimate gathering and my child doesn't even know the older sibling," the reader said.
"Many parents stay when their child is invited to a birthday party, which is interesting to me. I get it for a party for 2- to 4-year-olds, but then again, why are these parents hosting whole-class birthday parties for their 2- and 4-year-olds?" the reader continued. "When parents stay, then you have to accommodate them, as well as their child. I guess people just don't trust each other anymore. I'd much prefer a parent drop off and pick up their kid."
Linda, a Havre de Grace (Maryland) Patch reader, thinks bringing an uninvited sibling to a birthday party is just plain rude.
"This is a day for your child — not for you. You, the parent, are the younger sibling's babysitter," Linda said.
Still, some readers said birthday party hosts should be prepared for a couple of extra kids because, inevitably, some parents won't RSVP on time, or at all.
"Add them at the door of the venue," Linda said. "It's not their fault that their parents were irresponsible."
Not sending an RSVP or bringing a sibling to a party with a specific count is a bigger deal, said J., a West Hartford (Connecticut) Patch reader.
"Asking first is more polite. That said, there are usually last-minute no-shows, so an extra kid or two isn't too big of an issue."
Elmhurst (Illinois) Patch reader Mom said it should be clear that only "those who are invited and have RSVP'd" should attend children's birthday parties.
"Sorry," Mom said, although it's not clear that she really is.
Amanda Chisholm, a Novato (California) Patch reader, said it shouldn't be assumed the siblings of a child invited to a party are included.
"That said, depending on the closeness of my connection to the inviting parent, I may tactfully inquire whether siblings are included. If I am well-acquainted with the other parent, I may ask but will give a way out, for example, 'Molly is super excited to celebrate Noah on the 4th! Just wanted to check in to see if siblings are included. No pressure at all, because her brother can always go to his dad's that afternoon.'"
Danvers (Massachusetts) Patch reader G. said whether siblings can tag along should be decided on a case-by-case basis, "depending on the venue and host."
"If it's a public trampoline park with public guests also in attendance, the sibling should be able to join," G. said. "If it's a reserved play place or private place, parents may ask depending on their relationship with the host."
G. has a good reason for asking.
"Babysitters can cost $75-plus for a few hours," G. said, adding this important caveat:
"In the event that a sibling does attend, the parent should pay for any admissions; not take any food, materials or party favors; closely supervise the child; and remove the child promptly if they become disruptive in any way," G. said.
Yardley (Pennsylvania) Patch reader PJ said parents should know better than to bring siblings without first asking if it's OK. And hosts shouldn't feel obligated to accommodate the extra guest, PJ said.
"If you are the party host, gently explain that you already reserved a certain number of spots. Put wristbands on the invited children," PJ said. "The parent of the extra child can stay and pay for the sibling."
Amanda is flexible on some birthday party etiquette rules that once were considered firm.
"RSVP is important, but speaking for myself, when we are hosting, we are always ready, and hoping for more kids," she said. "I have been guilty of last-minute RSVPing. I've sent texts saying, 'OMG, we just realized we haven't yet RSVP'd. If it is not too late, Daniel would love to come join the fun celebrating Ryland's birthday on Saturday!"
Amanda also said the "no gifts" request can be confusing.
"Does it really mean no gifts?" she asked. "I would feel awkward not bringing one, but is it awkward and a social misstep to bring one anyway? Could that make attendees who followed the 'no gifts' prompt feel uncomfortable? Are you supposed to bring money? It is so confusing! What do we do?"
B. ignores it.
"I bring a gift even if the invitation says no gifts because I think parents just don't want others to feel like they have to bring a gift, and I feel odd showing up empty-handed," said B., who reads Vienna Patch, Reston Patch, Fairfax City Patch, and Chantilly Patch, all in Virginia.
"I think when the birthday child has siblings, or it's a combined siblings party — we're going to a party today for three siblings — the host parents may not want or need all these presents cluttering their house, and it may be OK to just bring one combined gift."
If an invitation doesn't expressly say "no gifts," several readers said they'd send the kid to the party with a present.
Readers split over whether gifts should be opened at the party or later when everyone has gone home.
"Gifts have to be opened later, or the rich kids lord it over the poor kids, or the 'in' kids get good stuff while the losers get crap," said Carol, a Mid Hudson Valley (New York) Patch reader.
BethAnnie, a Gilbertsville (Pennsylvania) Patch AM reader, put it more diplomatically.
"Opening presents depends on many factors — the number of people, the financial status of invitees, and so forth," she said. "At one party I attended, the kiddo was allowed to open one present — from Grandma — and then get to open one per day after that.
"A party should never be about presents," BethAnnie continued. "Some cultures open in front of others; some don't. Do it if it's done in a classy way."
"Open them. It's part of the fun," said Denise, who reads Abington Patch and Levittown Patch, both in Pennsylvania.
Several survey respondents also wondered when DIY parties with homemade cake and crafts were replaced by piñatas, gift bags and paid performers.
Nikki, a Levittown (Pennsylvania) Patch reader, said birthday parties at a venue are easier for parents.
"They are timed, you don't have to clean up, and they are usually very open to changes in the number of kids and adults eating party food," Nikki said, adding such events are much easier for parents to plan than parties in their homes.
That may not be what kids want, though.
"At the end of the day, kids like playing with their friends, and the best parties are the ones where they can do that. It doesn't have to be at a fancy place or have every kid they've ever met at it," said New Jersey Patch reader Danielle. "Think about your kid and what they would really appreciate."
"It's never about the presents. It's about quality time with friends at that age, because it is not realistic they are going to be the best friends forever," said Patchogue (New York) Patch reader Cubanita. "It's about the moment. It should be a celebration for the birthday kid and the friends that he is picking to spend time with him."
Cubanita is put off by the trend toward lavish, Instagram-worthy birthday parties.
"People are greedy, and so are their kids. Entitled," the reader said. "It's not respectful anymore. Sad."
Some readers said that in some suburbs and neighborhoods, kids' birthday parties have turned into a contest over who throws the most lavish celebration.
"What happened to coming over to play and having cake and ice cream and relatively inexpensive gifts?" said Lori, who reads St. Clair Shores Patch and Clinton Township Patch, both in Michigan.
"They are waaay out of line," Stonington-Mystic (Connecticut) Patch reader CB said emphatically. "A child does not need to be honored like a king or queen every year. They need to learn how to deal without constant doting."
"They've become way too extravagant," agreed Andrea, who reads Port Jefferson Patch and Commack Patch, both on Long Island.
"Kids are still simple and love easy, basic, non-overstimulating adventures," Andrea said. "Basic backyard parties or a cute little paint shop in town are just fine!"
"These days, parties are becoming more and more grandiose and over the top — so unnecessary," said Oakdale (Minnesota) Patch reader Bonnie.
Kaitlyn, a Greater Alexandria (Virginia) Patch reader, said extravagant celebrations "put a lot of pressure on parents to go all out for every party, have a theme and elaborate decorations."
"I fall short of keeping up with the Joneses on this," said Amanda Chisholm, the Novato Patch reader.
"They used to be low-key and with family," said BethAnnie, the Gilbertsville Patch AM reader. "Big parties were reserved for 'special' birthdays — 13, 16, etc. — but still just some cake and games.
"Now it seems they are all big deals. Annoying. $50 gifts mandatory. Registries," BethAnnie said. "What 3-year-old cares?"
Conshohocken (Pennsylvania) Patch AM reader Nonya has similar questions.
"Do they really have to be every year?" Nonya asked.
And this response may or may not have been meant as sarcasm, but either could be true, given how ubiquitous but also invisible artificial intelligence is in daily life:
"Just don't show up in person. Many caretakers of kids are creating AI emojis that stand as a birthday party 'guest!' It's best for all," Across America Patch reader Obe said without offering supporting evidence. "Besides, kids are used to tech-based apps, so they won't notice."
The Question is an exclusive Patch column on etiquette, everyday ethics and what to do when the rules aren't quite as clear as everyone pretends they are — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you'd like us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with "The Question" as the subject line.
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