To Marry or not to Marry

To marry or not to marry, that is the question. It is the question for a surprising number of couples today. The number of unmarried couples living together has increased dramatically over the last four decades. Between 1960 and 2004, the number of unmarried couples increased by almost 1200 percent. Unmarried cohabitation, which means those who are sexual partners, and share a household, is quite common among the young. Estimates are a quarter of unmarried woman between the ages of 25 and 39 are now living with a partner, and another quarter have lived with a partner previously. More than half of first marriages are preceded by living together – something virtually unknown 50 years ago.

For many, cohabitation is preparatory to marriage; for others, it is an alternative to living alone. But for a growing number, it is viewed as an alternative to marriage. The belief that living together before marriage is an essential way to determine whether the couple could really get along, thus avoiding a bad marriage ending in divorce, is widespread among younger persons. Cohabitation is more common among the non-religious, those who have been divorced, those who have experienced parental divorce, fatherlessness, or marital discord during childhood. And nearly 40 percent of cohabiting households contain children.

At the same time cohabitation numbers are increasing, the number of those marrying is of course decreasing. This is evidenced by a decline of nearly 50 percent, from 1970 to 2004, in the yearly number of marriages per 1000 unmarried adult women. The percentage of adults who are currently married has also decreased. Since 1960, the decline of those married has decreased by 14 percent – and 29 percent among black women.

Contrary to what many believe, those who live together before marriage are actually less likely to marry each other. A Columbia University study found that “only 26 percent of women surveyed and a scant 19 percent of men married the person with whom they were cohabiting.” A more comprehensive study of 13,000 people concluded that nearly 40 percent of cohabiting couples in America break up without getting married. The average cohabitant has several partners over a lifetime.

Those who live together before marriage also have greater separation and divorce rates. Psychology Today reported that “cohabiting women were 80 percent more likely to separate or divorce than were women who had not lived with their spouses before marriage.” The National Survey of Families and Households reveals that "unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve within 10 years compared to all first marriages: 57 percent to 30 percent."

Research suggests that those who live together before marriage are more accepting of divorce. They also have unhappier marriages. Living in a non-marital union has a negative impact of future marital stability, perhaps because such a union undermines the legitimacy of marriage, and diminishes the commitment to marriage. It’s like this: what begins on a trial basis, tends to remain founded on a trial basis. If you begin by playing soccer, it is difficult to change the game and rules into another sport.

If you truly love another, then marry. Not only does it honor the other and your relationship, but it has vital social and legal consequences. A life-long commitment is the mortar of civilization.