If you are struggling with infertility, the holidays can be particularly difficult. It seems like everyone, everywhere, has a baby or a small child. When your arms are empty, and you have been trying to have a child for a long time, you may feel like hiding under the covers until January. Here are some things to think about during the holidays:
Take care of yourself and your partner. Remember to focus on one another and plan fun events that are adult centered. Go out to eat at fancy restaurants that aren't kid friendly. Go to "R" rated movies. Book a bed and breakfast that doesn't allow kids. One day, when you do have children, these things will be nearly impossible to do so take advantage of them now. If you already have a child or children but are trying to conceive another, these suggestions still apply. Taking care of your relationship should be a priority when dealing with infertility.
Spend time with people who are supportive and aren't likely to ask insensitive questions. The workplace and holiday parties can be particularly difficult. If you have a friend you feel comfortable confiding in, ask them to run interference for you. If someone asks the dreaded question again about when or if you plan on having children, it's nice to have someone who will quickly chime in and change the subject. If that's not possible, think about how you would like to respond and practice with your partner before a difficult event.
Plan for the new year and focus on the positive. Make a list of goals for the new year, including those dedicated to expanding your family. Have at least one or two goals that aren't focused on conceiving such as taking a class, making a career change or taking a trip somewhere new. By focusing on positive things that aren't related to conception, you can reduce your stress and lighten your thoughts.
Donate to a child in need. There are many, many organizations that cater to children in need and they always could use donations. Consider picking a name off an angel tree or donating a coat and some warm clothes for a child in need. Have fun picking the items out and feel better knowing they will be well received.
If you are thinking about adoption as a next step, do some research and have some conversations with your partner. If your next step may be adoption, begin reading about the different avenues to expanding your family http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/. There is also a great special on December 18th called A Home For the Holidays at 8 p.m. ET on CBS. It tells stories about children who were adopted from the foster care system.
Take are of you. Most of all, take care of yourself during this time and don't spend too much time telling yourself how you 'should' feel or what you 'should' be doing. Infertility brings many difficult emotions, give yourself time to feel them all. Check out http://www.resolve.org/ for more ideas about how to take care of yourself.
Karen Chaudhry, LCSW is a therapist in Falls Church. She can be reached at kconsultnow@gmail.com .http://www.thriveandchange.com/
