Two Simple Rules for Increasing Workplace Civility and Managing Conflict

Sens. Susan Collins (R-Maine) and Angus King (I-Maine), often appear together on Sunday morning talk shows. In spite of their differences, they show by example the magic elixir for getting things done even in contentious times. Takeaways from a recent exchange can be summarized as follows:

1. Get out of the echo chamber - where ideas are amplified and reinforced

2. “Listen eloquently” (verbatim quote from Sen. King)

From the perspective of an executive coach and leadership development professional in the International Coach Federation (ICF) Metro DC chapter, the topic of workplace conflict tops the list of coaching conversations with clients at all management levels, including individual contributors. This has proven to be a widespread concern as the Korn Ferry Institute cites managing conflict as the skill most in need of development as identified through multi-rater surveys, commonly referred to as 360 degree assessments.

Coaching conversations often start with the coach asking “what would you like to accomplish today?” With increasing frequency, the response is: “Nobody is working together. We are all focused on our own agendas. Our meetings are endless, painful wastes of time – too much talking and not enough action or accountability. How do we get back on track?”

Pursuing what success would look like if these challenges were minimized, clients envision a scenario in which “We would stop talking over each other and listen. We would ask questions we haven’t asked yet.”

Follow the example of Sens. Collins and King – get out of those echo chambers and start listening eloquently!

Take a Personal Inventory on Approach

Getting out of the echo chamber can start with a few good questions and a touch of self-reflection. Look around the table at the next meeting. Who is there? And, perhaps more importantly, who is not? What criteria is being used to determine who is invited to meetings—those who will mostly agree with the status quo or those who will help design the best solutions to the challenges at hand? Where is the “customer” at the table? How have you confirmed that what you are selling (a vision, a product, a solution) is what your customers want and need?

And what about your own motivations? How is your own ego or status showing up at the table? Are you more inclined to make statements or to ask questions? Consider recording a meeting and review it with a critical eye.

Where do your statements shut down a discussion prematurely? Do your questions lead to new options for action? Is it possible that through your questions you are simply advocating for your own position?

The echo chamber, where all we hear are voices that sound just like ours, can be a seemingly safe place to be. No arguments. No acrimony. Take a moment to consider how much creative work gets done in an echo chamber. What might be worth changing?

In his appearance, Senator King challenged the audience to try “eloquent listening.” The adjective “eloquent” raises the bar on the more commonly used terms “active” or “deep” listening -- skills that are core competencies of coaches who are credentialed by the International Coach Federation. These are also skills coaches work to help clients develop. Active listening requires each party of the conversation to be “in the moment,” to really hear what the other is saying before planning to defend a position.

To experience a glimpse into the efficacy of this approach, try asking a friend to take a couple of minutes to tell you about something they really care about. Listen quietly without interrupting or leading them on to say more. Take a breath. Then summarize what you heard in 10 words or less. It may sound something like: “I hear that you really value (fill in the blank.)”

Look for the reaction on your friend’s face. It is likely you (and your friend) have experienced “eloquent listening.” Being heard, really heard, is powerful and relationship-changing. It can lead to the understanding of previously unknown commonalities and areas of agreement. This approach is similarly effective in making meaningful connections and reaching solutions in the business setting.

It is, at its heart, respectful. It is, indeed, “eloquent.”

Kori Diehl earned her PhD in Leadership and Change from Antioch University and has held senior management positions in telecommunications and consulting before turning to the field of executive coaching and leadership development. She serves as incoming President of the International Coach Federation Metro DC Chapter. To learn more about coaching and to find a coach, visit www.DCcoach.org.