Meet Amy, Friend to Parents of Kids Who Get Bullied

Amy Fernandez is the friend you can call in the middle of the night, even if you don't know her.

If your child has been bullied, she's someone you can talk to, even when—no, especially when—it's hard to utter any words at all, let alone coherently, about something important.

Amy knows firsthand the blank moment of shock, the panic of realization, and the terror that ... well, that the unthinkable could happen to your child.

A survivor of rape and molestation herself, she has moved beyond survivor status to advocacy. "I'm not an expert," she said. "But I know what I wish someone had said to me." She's like Oprah and Dr. Phil combined, minus national TV.

She's also come a long way with her own son, now 16 and a survivor of bullying. You know Justin McClean; he's a Patch blogger and Youth to Youth leader. In a recent blog post, he wrote about the shadow that slowly tightens its grip on people who are regular targets of assault, rejection and derision.

Justin paired his own observations with current events while wondering if Allison Bayliss, 15, had taken her own life for reasons similar to those that led him to contemplate doing the same.

Schools and law enforcement really can't do much to help, though I'm sure they wish they could. Bullying is a silent epidemic because it's difficult to predict, identify or challenge. The usual tactics usually don't work on bullies. And the parents of bullies often aren't aware or are in denial. Or most likely, they have a vague, unwelcome inkling that they are afraid to explore. I mean, being a parent is hard enough in the first place, right? Knowing how to respond to something dark that flickers sporadically in one's own child is tough even for social workers and psychologists.

A small group of people met Tuesday night at in Castro Valley to talk about this topic, hoping it would lead to productive action. The initial idea was to form a support group for parents and maybe kids, but we soon found ourselves coming up with other ideas, too.

One of them was getting people to sign pledges, to begin developing awareness among the larger population. As we talked on Tuesday night, we gained appreciation for the importance of the role the larger population plays—you know, the other kids, teachers and parents who aren't bullies or being bullied, the people who aren't giving bullies much thought but who catch glimpes of bad behavior here and there.

As it turns out, Dr. Phil's website includes such pledges. You can find them here.  

Amy sent me the link after our meeting.

If you think that maybe, just maybe, you might possibly one day want to have a conversation with a mom who has "been there" and has come out the other side into the light, you might want to drop Amy a line right now, just to put the connection in place, for possible use in the future if things take a bad turn, or better yet to prevent a bad turn.

You can reach her at amy-fernandez@excite.com.

If things get difficult for you or your child, it's best to already have some know-how and conversation under your belt. Schools and police officers can be influential and often are, but ultimately you are going to be the one who goes the final mile toward helping your child, no matter whether he or she is the bully or the target.

If you need an icebreaker to get the conversation going, ask Amy about "Janey." That's code for an interesting success story she can share with you.

No need to go through this alone.