Politics & Government
Chinese Doctors Grow New Nose on Injured Man’s Forehead
A satirical look at current events!
Chinese Doctors Grow New Nose on Injured Man’s Forehead: A Chinese man who suffered irreparable nasal trauma in a traffic accident has been growing a new nose on his forehead for the last nine months that will eventually be transplanted to replace his injured nose. The man reports that about the only negative thing he’s experienced so far is people frequently asking him if they can “pick his brain.”
Wisconsin Man Starts Drinking After Getting Locked in Beer Cooler: Police have cited a Marshfield, Wisconsin man who started drinking beer after becoming trapped in a Kwik Trip convenience store’s walk-in beer cooler after sales clerks told him they couldn’t sell him any alcohol. Oh come on, what’s the problem? I mean, the guy dutifully refilled all the beer bottles while he was in there. Its simply a case of “when life hands you a well-stocked beer cooler…” If you ask me, the judge ought to rule “case closed!” Or, at the very least - case empty.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Astronomers Spot Unknown Object Flying Past Earth: In what is being described as an incredibly unusual event, astronomers in Hawaii say they’ve spotted a very strange object being propelled by the sun’s gravity zooming right past Earth - leaving scientists still at a loss to explain exactly what it was. While I’m no astronomer, my guess is its either Trump’s tax returns or North Korea missiles, trying to hit Guam.
Man With 3-Foot Penis Gets Life-Changing Surgery: A 20-year-old Kenya man says he feels like a brand new person after receiving a life-changing surgery to reduce the size of his 3-foot penis and 11-pound testicles, which doctors speculate may be the result of being bitten by a mosquito when he was 10 years old. Not surprisingly, its being reported mosquito repellant sales have dropped dramatically since this story went public.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Actors Were Warned Senior Bush Gets Pretty Handsy: Following actress Heather Lind’s groping revelation, another woman came forward to claim she was also groped by former President George H.W. Bush, prompting “Hunchback of Notre Dame” cast members to divulge that actors were actually warned beforehand that the former president could get “handsy.” Handsy? I’ll say! Hell, its beginning to sound like George H.W. Bush is actually short for “George Hands Wander Bush.”
Winona Ryder Claims She Doesn’t Use the Internet: In an interview with Elle, Winona Ryder claimed that she doesn’t even use the internet. I get where she’s coming from on that. I mean, how you supposed to shoplift anything from Amazon.Com?
Scientists Create Virtual Human Brain Cells: Scientists in Seattle have created three-dimensional computer reconstructions of living human brain cells by studying tissue that is usually discarded during surgery, capturing not only the shape and anatomy of living cells, but also the electrical signals they produce. During a recent press conference, Dr Frankenstein and his staff said it was great to be working in cosmopolitan Seattle as opposed to the Swiss Alps, because villagers there have a tendency to become a bit nervous over this type of research.
New Technique Increases Chances for Lucid Dreaming: Research from the University of Adelaide has unveiled a new technique which has had unprecedented success in increasing people’s chances of having lucid dreams, in which the dreamer is aware they’re dreaming while it’s happening and can somewhat control the experience. One technique I’ve found that seems to work fairly well is don’t go to bed completely hammered.
Bill O’Reilly Dropped By UTA After $32 Million Settlement Revealed: Bill O'Reilly has been dropped by his talent agency UTA after a NY Times article revealed he paid out $32 million to settle a sexual harassment claim in February. I’m guessing UTA just doesn't get a lot of calls from people looking for talented sexual predators. On a positive note, he now has the premise for his next book - “Killing O’Reilly.”
Former CIA/NSA Director Says Terrorists Use Gmail: Former NSA and CIA director Michael Hayden recently told a gathering that “G-mail” is the preferred online mail service for terrorists. Really? I would have guessed they use “Jihad Mail.”
California Fat Farm For Elephants Will Tackle Obesity: A foundation in Northern California plans to open an elephant “fat farm” dedicated to improving the health of captive elephants in North America, 75 percent of whom are overweight according to a recent study. I supposed its tough when you’re constantly told you look as big as an elephant. Wildlife officials say one of the problems is that the elephants always insist they’re just “big-boned.”
Snake Slithers Out of Starbucks Toilet: In an urban legend come to life, a Texas man with an admitted aversion to snakes was unpleasantly surprised when he encountered a rattlesnake slithering out of the toilet he was using inside a San Antonio Starbucks. A Starbucks spokesperson explained that they have had issues with the toilet clogging and just had the toilet “snaked” - and the plumber may have simply forgotten to remove the snake.
