Politics & Government
Conservatives Fear Obama LGBT Plot to Take Over Red States
A satirical look at current events!
Conservatives Fear Obama LGBT Plot to Take Over Red States: Many conservative talk show hosts are expressing grave concerns about what they believe is a plot by the Obama administration to infiltrate rural American communities with “lesbian and transgender hillbillies” who will attempt to turn formerly Republican strongholds into Democratic majorities. Wow, if I’m understanding this correctly, I guess we’re talking about creating kind of a “Dyke Dynasty.”
Alabama Tea Party Talk Show Host Busted for Meth Trafficking: Tuscaloosa conservative talk show host and former Tea Party candidate for the Alabama state legislature John Fisher Jr., has been arrested and charged with manufacturing and trafficking crystal meth. Well, guess that’s another fine meth he’s gotten himself into!
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Trump Vows to Get 95% of the African American Vote: During a recent rally in Dimondale, Michigan, Republican Donald Trump again made a direct appeal to black voters, asking them “What do you have to lose by voting for something new like Donald Trump? Well, let’s start with healthcare, voting rights and personal dignity.
Florida Student Kills Couple and Eats Victims Face: Officials say a 19-year-old Florida State University student whom friends describe as “a smart guy with lots of potential,” was having dinner with his family when he became angry, stormed out of the restaurant, killed two people and ate one victim’s face before being subdued. Good grief, I’ve been to some terrible restaurants before, but the food couldn't have been that bad - could it? This story sounds like the text book definition of the phrase "Well, that sure escalated quickly!" As for this guy having “lots of potential” - sure he had potential! Especially when considering all those faces out there that still remain uneaten.
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Alzheimer’s Gene May Show Effects in Childhood: A new study suggests that a gene related to Alzheimer's disease may start to show effects on brain structure and mental sharpness as early as preschool. So that’s why kids forget to do their homework and clean-up their rooms. Who could have known?
Woman Receives High School Diploma 88 Years Late: A 106-year-old woman finally received her high school diploma 88 years after she refused to read a required book in order to get her diploma. On a sad note, friends say her one-time dream of heading off to college on an athletic scholarship seems pretty unlikely at this point.
Ford to Sell Driverless Cars By 2021: Ford announced that they plan to begin selling driverless cars in the year 2021, beginning a new era in car travel. I guess when you make cars that nobody wants to drive, driverless cars are about the only way to go.
Woman Kills Boyfriend with Stiletto Heel: What started with a Houston couple having a pleasant dinner and drinks at a local restaurant, ended up in a heated argument and the girl killing her boyfriend with the stiletto heel of her shoe. I have no idea what they were arguing about, but it sounds like he got the point.
Trump Campaign Denies Ailes Prepping Trump for Debates: The Trump Campaign is denying rumors that Roger Ailes, who was fired as Fox news chief after widespread accusations of sexual harassment surfaced, has been coaching Donald Trump for his upcoming debates against Hillary Clinton. Well, I suppose if Trump spends the first ten minutes commenting on the moderator’s breasts, I think it would be safe to assume that Ailes coached him. After all, Ailes was know around Fox as a master debater.
California Has Forty-Two Infants in Their Gang Database: An audit of California’s state gang database, CalGang, found 42 individuals in the database who were less than one year old at the time of of entry. Police say they most likely belong to either the “Cribs” or the “Grandsons of Anarchy.” Authorities say a good way for a parent to detect possible gang affiliation is if the child says things like “you wanna give me another swig of that formula bitch?”
Woman Gives Birth in Bathroom of Subway Restaurant: A woman in Nevada has given birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant. Guess she must have misunderstood the “we deliver” sign posted in the window.
