Politics & Government
E-Mail To Trump Jr. Spoke Of Russian Plot To Aid Trump Campaign
A satirical look at current events!
E-Mail To Trump Jr. Spoke Of Russian Plot To Aid Trump Campaign: According to a report from The New York Times, Donald Trump Jr. was told in an e-mail that a meeting to obtain information damaging to presidential rival Hillary Clinton was connected to intelligence gathered by the Russian government to help elect his father. Ironically, sources say Eric Trump received the very same e-mail - but he still hasn’t quite figured out how to open it yet.
Two Studies Find Drinking More Coffee Leads to Longer Life: In the most extensive studies on coffee and mortality to date, researchers surveyed more than 700,000 people in both the US and 10 European countries and found that drinking more coffee could significantly lower a person's risk of mortality. I couldn't agree more! In fact, at this point in my life, I figure about the only thing still keeping me alive is the Starbucks app on my iPhone.
New Zealand Develops First Vaccine Against Gonorrhoea: Scientists in New Zealand say a vaccine has for the first time been shown to protect against the sexually transmitted infection gonorrhoea. Good job! Makes me want to put my hands together and clap, but I’m not certain that would be appropriate in this case.
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Trump and Putin to Work Together On Cybersecurity: President Donald Trump’s revelation that he discussed forming an “impenetrable cyber security unit” with Russian President Vladimir Putin is drawing swift criticism from both parties in light of Russia’s cyberattacks against the U.S. during last year’s election. Another brilliant Trump maneuver - team up with the burglars who’ve broken into your house. If that doesn’t prevent them from breaking in again, I don’t know what will.
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Study Finds Sense of Purpose Aids Sleep: US researchers who surveyed people on their sleeping habits found that the secret to a good night’s sleep is having a sense of purpose in life. Wow, I’m guessing my cat and people with narcolepsy must really have a deep sense of purpose then.
Trump Jr Promised Damaging Intel on Clinton Before Russian Meeting: The New York Times reports that Donald Trump Jr. was promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton before agreeing to meet with a Kremlin-connected Russian lawyer during the 2016 campaign. I’m going to go with knowledge of election meddling for $200, Alex. Talk about a smoking gun - the NRA is claiming this falls under the 2nd Amendment.
People Freaking Out Over Ivanka Filling in for Trump at G20: Many are accusing Donald Trump of behaving like a banana republic dictator when he left his under-qualified, unelected socialite daughter to fill in for him during a G20 meeting. While its true Ivanka is in fact unelected, I think it’s blatantly unfair to imply that she, or anyone else for that matter, is less qualified than her father. On the other hand, I think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that up until about a week ago, Ivanka thought the G20 was a luxury car made by Infinity Motors.
Pay for TGI Friday's Dinner With Smartphone App: TGI Friday's announced that customers can now conveniently pay their checks by using a downloadable app on their iPhone or Android smartphones. Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer to pay for bad food by writing a bad check.
Financial Institutions Rejecting Porn Industry: CNBC is reporting that many porn stars and porn execs are having difficulty getting loans and even opening up simple bank accounts. With no other options available, many are using sperm banks instead.
Trump-Putin Meeting Runs Over Two Hours: There is much speculation as to what went on in the meeting between President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, as the meeting which was originally allotted 30 minutes, went nearly two hours and a half. Well that’s an understandable time frame. Hell, you’ve got two wannabe dick-tators and remember, it takes at least 30 minutes for Viagra to kick in. On the other hand, its rumored Trump may have sold Alaska back to the Russians. However, on a positive note - Sarah Palin was reportedly part of the deal.
Christian Activist Claims Katy Perry Driving Fans to Suicide via Lesbianism: Conservative Christian Activist and Pastor Kevin Swanson has had just about enough of people like Katy Perry singing about kissing girls and liking it, and is now claiming Perry is leading children to decadence, followed by despair and finally suicide through her songs which glorify lesbianism. I get it - that maddening cycle of “Katy Perry to lesbian to despair to suicide” of which Jesus frequently referred to in the Gospels. The only problem is, short of Katy Perry losing her record contract - it seems to me about the only thing Pastor Swanson and his congregation can do is continue to vigorously rub human feces all over themselves until finally there are no more lesbians.
Trump’s Poland Speech Sounded Like Someone Reading a Wikipedia Page: Some are calling out President Donald Trump’s recent speech in Poland, which many felt sounded as if he was simply reading the country’s Wikipedia page to Poland’s own people. Well, on a positive note, at least he didn't open with a Polish joke - you know - something like “all you Poles should be grateful you're no longer part of Russia. Those Russian winters can be really harsh.”
Western Montana Hit With 5.8 Earthquake: A 5.8 magnitude earthquake has struck western Montana about 33 miles northwest of Helena. While geologists say earthquakes are not unusual for the area, Fox and Friends is reporting that it wasn’t actually an earthquake, but shock waves from President Trump’s bodyslam of the CNN meme finally reaching Montana.
Clinical Trial Looks Into Alcohol Preventing Heart Attacks: The National Institutes of Health is in the process of starting a $100 million industry-backed clinical trial to test for the first time whether or not a drink a day really does prevent heart attacks. You mean to tell me they’re spending $100 million for just one drink a day? Where the hell are they buying these drinks anyway - Trump Tower?
CDC Says Poor Sleep Can Lead to Alzheimer’s: The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention calls disrupted sleep a "public health problem," because of its close association with a higher risk of Alzheimer's and other types of dementia. So for all of you who can’t remember the last time you had a good night’s sleep, now you know why.
Paul Ryan Lowers the Boom on Women Wearing Sleeveless Attire: House Speaker Paul Ryan has begun vigorously enforcing rules which prohibit women from attempting to enter the Speaker’s Lobby while wearing shoulder-baring sleeveless shirts and dresses. While I’m certainly no expert on congressional matters, I’m assuming a rule like this would be enforced by the sergeant-at-arms. That said, kind of makes you wonder, isn’t there anything more important Speaker Ryan could be doing with his time - you know, like slashing funding for school lunches or cutting healthcare services to veterans and the elderly?
