Politics & Government
Fidelity Investments Fires Two in Sexual-Harassment Crackdown
A satirical look at current events!
Fidelity Investments Fires Two in Sexual-Harassment Crackdown: Boston-based Fidelity Investments reportedly ousted two employees this month as part of a crackdown on sexual harassment at the mutual-fund giant. Insiders say the sexual tension within the company has become so all-pervasive, they may soon be forced to rename the company “In-Fidelity.”
Scientists May Have Discovered Cause of Dyslexia: A pair of French researchers say they may have found a physical cause for Dyslexia, which they feel is related to the misalignment of tiny light-receptor cells in the human eye - which confuses the messages being sent to the brain. Meanwhile, critics of the study say researchers have it all backwards.
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German Zoo Hopes to Cure Panda’s Odd Walking with Sex: Zookeepers at Berlin’s main animal park are hoping to cure a young female panda’s habit of walking backwards by introducing her to one of life’s great pleasures - sex. Good grief, makes you wonder who the hell’s running that zoo - Harvey Weinstein?
DBV Technologies Peanut Allergy Drug Fails Key Study: French drug developer DBV Technologies said its peanut allergy treatment did not meet the main goal in a highly anticipated late-stage study, causing its US-listed stocks to plunge 60.5 percent. Angry investors were heard complaining “I must have been nuts to invest in a company like this.” Others noted that the stock fell so low, you could pick up shares for mere peanuts - that is, assuming you’re not allergic.
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Trump Administration to Promote Rhythm Method and Abstinence: According to a recently leaked memo, the Trump administration plans to slash the budget for family planning and - in its place, begin promoting abstinence and the rhythm method. Which is kind of funny when you consider there’s probably not a single person in the Trump Administration who even has any rhythm. On a positive note, administration officials say vouchers will still be available for those wishing to purchase chastity belts.
Astronomers Measure Milky Way with Radio Waves: Astronomers are using a collection of radio telescopes that span thousands of miles in an attempt to measure Milky Way with radio waves. When asked why use radio waves to take the measurement, astronomers say the Milky Way is so big that using a ruler or a tape measure just wouldn’t be practical, even if they were somehow able to recruit all the people who've leveled charges against Harvey Weinstein to help with the measuring.
Nazi Scientists Had Plans to Use Mosquitoes As Weapons: Newly found records suggest that Nazi scientists at the infamous Dachau concentration camp planned to use offensive biological warfare on Germany's World War II enemies by releasing malaria-carrying mosquitoes from airplanes. The project was abandoned after it became obvious that Germany could never make swastika armbands small enough to fit on the mosquito’s legs.
Eight Prototypes of Trump's Border Wall Completed: The Department of Homeland Security announced it will soon begin looking at which of the eight designs being considered for a border wall will best deter illegal immigrants from entering the US. Gee, do those designs come in different colors? I’ll bet a nice pastel might work as a deterrent. Or how about a mellow chartreuse? And while some may complain that taking time to choose just the right colors for our border wall might be a lot of extra work, I think its important not to make the same old boring aesthetic mistakes the East Germans did with their Berlin wall. Who wants an ugly wall like that when President Trump promised a “beautiful wall?” I mean, just because you’re building a disgusting, offensive, racist structure which will have little or no impact whatsoever on illegal immigration, doesn’t mean it can’t be done in pretty colors.
North Carolina Woman Accused of Using Bacon to Assault Boyfriend: Authorities say a North Carolina woman won’t face charges after her boyfriend called police when she slapped him with a slab of uncooked bacon during an argument in their apartment. Gee, they didn’t even arrest her? You’d assume she’d fry for doing something like that. And then its the boyfriend who ends up with egg on his face? Why if I didn’t know better, I’d say this was a scene out of some Hollywood movie starring - you guessed it - Kevin Bacon.
Scientists Warn of Ecological Armageddon As Insect Numbers Drop: Scientists say three-quarters of all flying insects in nature reserves across Germany have vanished in the last 25 years, which has serious implications for all life on Earth. Really? All I can say is, I sure haven’t seen that drop in my apartment. Meanwhile, Trump EPA chief Scott Pruitt claims the issue is that flying insects are having difficulty getting permission from air traffic controllers to take off and suggests the bugs might wanna consider using another form of transportation.
Drinking Alcohol Makes Learning New Language Easier: A new study found that drinking a little drinking can help people struggling to learn a second language. Hell, if that were really the case, then I’m guessing Charlie Sheen must be fluent in at least 10 languages by now.
Trump Still Claiming His Fake Renoir is Real: Even though its been well documented that the real Renoir "Two Sisters (On The Terrace)” painting has been hanging in the Art Institute of Chicago since 1933, President Trump continues to insist that the one hanging in his New York apartment is real. Yea, and I’m guessing he believes his Van Gogh self-portrait is real too - even though the ear was actually bitten off by Mike Tyson. What tickles me is that he also seems to believe he’s a real president.
