John Kelly Chides Immigrants Too Lazy to Sign Up for Daca

John Kelly Chides Immigrants Too Lazy to Sign Up for Daca: In defending President Trump’s new immigration proposal, chief of staff John Kelly implied that many Dreamers may have been just “too lazy to get off their asses” to go and sign up for the protection. In defending Kelly’s statement, Congressional Republicans were quick to point out that anyone who’s observed President Trump’s work ethic as closely as John Kelly has, ought to have a pretty good grasp of what “too lazy to get off their ass” really looks like.

Elon Musk’s Powerful Rocket Launches Tesla Roadster Towards Mars: Elon Musk and SpaceX have successfully used the world’s most powerful “Falcon Heavy” rocket to launch a $100,000 cherry red Tesla Roadster towards Mars. Guess they may as well send that beautiful Tesla off towards Mars. Hell, not very many of us can afford them here.

Study Finds Dogs More Likely to Bite Anxious People: Contrary to popular belief, a new study found that while dogs probably can’t smell fear, they do seem to respond to fearful people with more aggressive behavior. Well, if that’s the case, I had better hope there are no dogs around when I’m in line for my next colonoscopy.

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LAPG Reinvestigating Natalie Wood’s Mysterious Death: Los Angeles County sheriff’s investigators say they want to speak to 87-year-old actor Robert Wagner as a “person of interest,” in the case of the Natalie Wood death which reopened in 2011. When reporters asked Christopher Walken - who was also present on the yacht that night - what he felt police needed to solve the case, Walken said that as far as he’s concerned, they “need more cowbell.”

Deadly Amoeba Found in Louisiana Water: A potentially deadly brain-eating amoeba was discovered in a water system that serves more than 12,500 people in Louisiana. Scientists say they’re not too concerned, however, given that a “brain-eating amoeba” would quickly starve to death in a place like Louisiana.

Texting Woman Drives Into Herd of Cows: A 21-year-old woman is recovering after she drove into a herd of cows in upstate New York while texting on her cellphone. How stupid! You can’t just assume cows will just mooo-ve out of the way.

Punxsutawney Phil Predicts Six More Weeks of Winter: The world’s most famous rodent - Punxsutawney Phil, saw his shadow and forecast six more weeks of winter. In related news, a representative for Punxsutawney Phil announced he has just accepted a position as a weekend anchor on the Weather Channel.

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Tomi Lahren Apologizes for Calling Joe Kennedy III a Little Limp D**k: Tomi Lahren has backtracked after she called Rep. Joe Kennedy III a “little limp d**k” in an Instagram video following Kennedy’s televised response to President Donald Trump’s State of the Union address. While I’m certainly no Republican, I think her opinion about Kennedy needs to be taken seriously. I mean, someone with a personality and disposition like hers - has be considered an authority on identifying limp d**ks.

Trump Admin Rolls Back Obama's Clean Water Act Protections: The Trump administration has blocked the Obama 2015 Clean Water Act protections from taking effect - as it prepares to roll out its own, less stringent rules later this year. So, its sounds like soon, we’ll not only have unsanitary water and polluted air, but also a dirty old man sitting in the Oval Office - all part of the “Make America Filthy Again” plan. One thing’s for sure, thanks to President Trump, you’ll no longer have to travel long distances and across oceans to find yourself one of those genuine “s**thole countries” - we’ll become our own “s**thole country.”

Company Claims Drug Destroys Double Chins: P Pharmaceutical giant Allergan is investing millions into an injectable, fat-destroying drug that it says will do away with double chins. Analysts say that while the drug has shown promise, investors are still sticking their neck out on this.