Politics & Government
Libertarian Johnson Urging Humanity To Inhabit Other Planets
A satirical look at current events!
Libertarian Johnson Urging Humanity To Inhabit Other Planets: In a recent interview with George Stephanopoulos, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson suggested that because of things such as global warming and the fact the sun will eventually grow and encompass the Earth, we had better start to consider sending people to other planets. Wow, this has sure been some election! Trump wants to deport everyone out of the country and now Gary Johnson wants to send us to another planet.
Sheriff Arpaio Vows to Keep Investigating Obama’s Birth Certificate: Calling it a forged document, controversial Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio promised a group of Surprise Tea Party Patriots that he will not be deterred and vowed to continue investigating President Obama’s birth certificate. On the other hand, I suppose a skeptic might wonder - even if it is a forgery, Obama will be gone in just a few months. Isn’t this a little like locking the barn door eight years after the horses escaped? Nevertheless, even with his heavy workload of harassing immigrants, this selfless man has pledged to continue taking frequent “investigative” trips to Hawaii in order to get to the bottom of this.
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Most Polled Feel Santa is a Democrat: A new poll found that 44 percent of Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat, while 28 percent believe he is a Republican. The other 28 percent say “ah, there ain’t no Santee Claus!”
Extramarital Affair Costs General His Job: An internal investigation has cost US Army National Guard Brigadier General Michael E Bobeck his job after it was determined he had extramarital affair and “misused Army resources.” While I’m no expert on military law, I’m assuming that the “misuse of Army resources” must be a reference to his penis.
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North Korea Holds It’s First Air Show: In a bid to attract tourists to the isolated country, North Korea held its first-ever air show showcasing it’s civilian and aerial might at it’s Kalma International Airport. Shortly after the event, people in attendance were already comparing it to the Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk - literally.
British Man Builds Electric Chair to Kill Wife: A man in Great Britain has been arrested after building a homemade electric chair in his garage and then attempting to electrocute his wife in it. When asked why he would try to electrocute his poor wife, the man said he felt its more humane than lethal injection.
Crocodiles Mysteriously Dying in Northern India: Authorities say as many as 26 endangered crocodiles have been mysteriously found dead in northern India. I guess we don’t need to ask what kind of tears were shed for them.
Apple Turning iPhone Into a Digital Wallet: Apple says their new iOS 10 is becoming an environment where you can store all your credit cards, digital coupons, tickets and loyalty cards in one place - transforming the iPhone into a digital wallet. Personally, I don’t really care all that much whether my wallet is digital or analog - either way - I’m still broke.
Jim Bakker Claims Watchdog Groups Monitor Him and Kill Patriots: On a recent television broadcast, Televangelist Jim Bakker warned his flock that people like him are being monitored and completely silenced by liberal watchdog groups. Wow, seems he just can’t shut up about how he’s being completely silenced.
Czech President Milos Zeman Supporting Trump: Outspoken Czechoslovakian President Milos Zeman and Hungary's anti-migrant right-wing Prime Minister Viktor Orban have just added their names to the list of former Soviet satellite state leaders who are now supporting Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump. Sources say panicked Hillary Clinton campaign officials privately fear that if Bulgaria falls to Trump, all may be lost.
Mylan CEO Defends EpiPen Cost to Angry Lawmakers: Outraged lawmakers grilled the head of pharmaceutical company Mylan about the over 500% price increase of its life-saving EpiPens since 2007 on a product they didn’t even invent, but acquired the rights. Now I’m no business expert, but if Mylan’s claim is true that they need to charge $608 to make a profit on something that costs them under $30 to manufacture, I would think it might be a good idea to think about finding someone who can provide a little cheaper packaging for them.
Half of All US Guns in the Hands of Just 3% of Gun Owners: A sweeping new survey by researchers at Harvard University and Northeastern University found that nearly half of the nearly 300 million firearms in the United States are concentrated in the hands just 3 percent of American adults. Hell, I guess it's a lot like women’s dress fashions - I mean who wants to be seen getting your morning joe at Starbucks with the same AR-15 you’re packing at Walmart or the 9mm Glock you bring to pick up your dry cleaning at Fazio’s?
Woman Finds Rat Head In Popeyes Chicken Meal: A New Jersey woman posted a picture of what she claims is a rat’s head she found in her Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen meal, a restaurant which has a 5 rating by the Department of Health. If you ask me, its pretty sad commentary to think some poor woman found an animal body part in a bucket of fried animal body parts! The company is reportedly investigating the claim, claiming they smell a rat.
People Viewing Porn Forces NY to Disable Tablets on WiFi Kiosks: The city of New York is trying to figure out what to do after numerous complaints about derelicts using the tablets associated with the city’s new free WiFi Kiosks to view porn on public streets. Wow, sounds like a hard problem to solve.
E-Book Sales Move Ahead of Printed Books for 1st Time: Amazon is reporting that it now sells more e-books than they do books in print. And needless to say, the companies selling the e-books are simply “e-lated.”
Study Finds Pigeons Can Distinguish Written Words: In a fascinating new study, scientists have actually taught pigeons some rudimentary reading skills - and while the birds don’t understand the meaning of words - they can distinguish real words from non-words by visually processing the letter combinations involved. You don’t need some fancy study to know that. Hell, everyone knows birds start tweeting shortly after they’re born.
