Politics & Government
Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve No Hot Tea Disaster
A satirical look at current events!
Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve No Hot Tea Disaster: Mariah Carey’s set on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve was once again the subject of intense ridicule on social media after she declared it a complete “disaster” that she didn’t get the hot tea she had been promised. I don’t care if she demands a little tea, because frankly - I can’t think of anything more appropriate than Mariah Carey music as a way to welcome in…1993
North Korean Leader Claims Nuclear Button on His Desk: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un boasted during an annual New Year’s Day speech that he has a nuclear button right on his desk and that the entire United States is within range - but also he vowed not to attack unless threatened. Well, the way I see it - we have two possible responses to the North Korean threat. One - would be for President Trump to set off the biggest, most powerful and most beautiful nuclear explosion ever - one which no other president has even come close to exploding or two (a more practical solution) - we ask our close ally in the region Japan if they would consider unleashing Godzilla on the North Koreans.
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Neuroscientist Discovers He Has Brain of a Psychopath: After getting a brain scan, a prominent UC Irvine neuroscientist revealed that he not only has the brain of a psychopath, but he is also related to seven alleged murderers - including Lizzie Borden. All I can say is - if I were him, I’d be pretty damn careful about who you ask to carve the turkey when the family gathers at Thanksgiving.
Apple Apologizes for Slowing Down Older iPhones: Apple has apologized to customers for deliberately slowing the performance of older iPhone models without those users’ consent. This prompted mega-music service Spotify to apologize for trying to direct older people’s music selections toward slow songs.
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White House Is Infested With Rodents and Insects: Documents obtained by NBC show the White House is heavily infested with ants, cockroaches and rodents. Yea, and by all indications - they’ve been busy sucking out every bit of blood they can manage from decent, hardworking American taxpayers.
New Watery Planet Discovered: Scientists have discovered a new type of alien planet — a steamy water world which astronomers are describing as larger than Earth, yet still smaller than Uranus. Yea, well that kind of makes me wonder - just how big do they think my anus is?
Christian Writer Claims Jesus Doesn’t Want You To Masturbate: Writing for the Christian Post, Erin Davis cautions readers that while Scripture never mentions masturbation specifically, Jesus neither wants or approves of people masturbating. Is it just me, or does it seem like a lot of these so-called “Christian leaders” seem to spend an inordinate amount of their time thinking about the sex lives of strangers? That said, I’m sure some would have a “bone” to pick with Ms Davis on this issue. Personally, I’ve always felt that if Jesus really doesn't want me to masturbate, perhaps he shouldn't watch.
Zoo Theory Explains Why Aliens Haven’t Made Contact Yet: One popular theory to explain why intelligent life forms have not made open contact with humans is the “Zoo Theory,” which suggests that the aliens may purposely be avoiding contact with humans so they don't influence our native activity, similar to zookeepers at a nature preserve. Or, they haven't contacted humans because they're intelligent life forms. A lot of people say there’s been no contact because of the vast distance of space, but I still maintain the Kardashians are the primary reason why aliens are keeping their distance.
Russian Comedians Prank UN Ambassador Nikki Haley: In yet another embarrassment for the current administration, a couple of Russian comedians posed as Polish Prime Minister Mateusz Morawiecki and engaged Trump UN Ambassador Nikki Haley in a general political conversation before pranking her into a detailed discussion about the dire situation in a totally bogus country they called Binomo. And while some may find this kind of ignorance from our UN Ambassador rather disturbing, an argument could be made that we’re all probably a lot better of having the Trump people focusing on fictional countries instead of real ones.
LA Suburb Boyle Heights Passes New Laws: This is a warning for any of you who may live in the LA area. Effective January 1st, the city of Boyle Heights has just passed a city ordinance which would outlaw the possession and sale of pimple creams and acne medications. Quite sad, but can't say I’m really surprised.
GOP Tax Plan Hits Home for This Lucky Man: Gee, what a nice start to the morning - I'm instantly rich! I'd like to take this time to graciously thank Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan and the rest of the GOP for their most generous new tax plan. Thank you GOP! And of course, now that I'm rich, I'd also like to say "screw all the rest of you lazy bastards - I got mine pal!” Its time people have to realize you don't become successful like I have by sitting around on your big asses, waiting for some government handout. You get rich by answering the right e-mail as I just did. And, as soon as that cool $10.7 mill comes in, why I plan to take a large portion of it and buy a big bunch of "Make America Great Again" hats and pass them out to all you poor slobs. Why you ask? Because I'm a giver!
Man’s Viagra Overdose Leads to Penis Amputation: A 66-year-old farmer from Colombia needed to have his penis amputated after taking too much Viagra to impress a new girlfriend his day’s long erection caused his penis to become inflamed, fractured, and gangrene. Oh well, all I can say is - “easy cum, easy go!”
