No Nobel Prize in Literature this Year Due to Sex Allegations

Last Ice Age Affected Breastfeeding in Native Americans: Scientists at UC Berkeley say that the last ice age may have caused a genetic mutation in Native Americans which causes the breasts to provide more fat and vitamin D to infants. So I’m guessing before that, the only thing available in breastfeeding was either 2% or skim milk?

No Nobel Prize in Literature this Year Due to Sex Allegations: The Swedish Academy has announced it will postpone the 2018 Nobel Prize in Literature in the wake of a scandal over sexual assault allegations. So if I’m understanding this correctly, these guys were basically turning the Noble Prize in Literature into a Nobel “Piece” Prize.

Trump Angers Britain and France Over Gun Law Remarks: During a speech to the National Rifle Association convention in Dallas, President Trump managed to angry both Britain and France when he attacked their gun laws - claiming “knives, knives, knives” have turned the UK into a war zone. “Knives, knives, knives," says the man who slashed the shower curtains in the Bates Motel.

Amazon Founder Bought Washington Post With Cash: Its being reported that when Amazon founder Jeffrey P. Bozos bought the Washington Post, he paid $250 million in cash. Wow, $250 million in cash? Isn’t it kind of risky to carry that much cash around? Why I wouldn’t be caught dead with that much cash on me. Apparently they just wouldn’t take a check.

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Study Finds Plants Communicate With Each Other Underground: It sounds like the stuff of science fiction, but scientists have found that plants actually use a subterranean communication system to talk to each other - using underground signals sent through their roots to help stressed neighbors. Perhaps its better for everyone concerned that they’re talking underground. After all, if they’re communicating through their roots which are down in the dirt, it doesn’t take a frigg’n genius to figure out they’re probably talking dirty.

Biologists Say Strange Ocean Creatures Trap Their Food In Net of Mucus: Biologists say they’ve found a unique class of “grazer” sea creatures, who are known to trap their food in a massive net of mucus. Big deal, I’ve seen people in public restrooms do that!

Swedish Inmate Escapes Prison and Goes to Dentist: A Swedish inmate had such a bad toothache - he escaped from prison and went to see a dentist, before returning to the prison and turning himself back in. Seeing that he escaped to the dentist, guards would be wise to give this guy a full “cavity search.”

Some Suspect Earth’s Magnetic Poles About to Flip: A new theory being proposed is that the Earth’s magnetic poles may be about to flip for the first time in 786,000 years. Scientists say that even if it does happen, humans should be OK overall - but birds who typically migrate using magnetic guidance may now be forced to download the Waze app in order to navigate their way past Cleveland every summer. Otherwise, about the only other thing people will notice is that they’ll now need to place the batteries into their electronic devices backwards.

Ikea Elk Lasagna Tests Positive for Pork: Swedish retailer Ikea has been forced to stop sales of its elk-meat lasagna in stores after testing showed that the elk lasagna also contained pork. OK, but two questions come to mind. First, who the hell eats “elk-meat lasagna” and secondly, who buys their food at Ikea?

New Model Year TV’s on Sale: Finally broke down and picked myself up a new TV. Now I'm a little short on cash, so I had to go for a 1950 model - which means it didn't come with a remote - but the salesman assured me that one should be available in another 25 years.

Art Gallery Discovers Over Half Its Paintings are Fakes: An art gallery in the south of France, dedicated to the Catalan artist Étienne Terrus in Elne, has discovered that more than half of its collection of paintings are actually forgeries. Museum officials urge art patrons to look on the positive side. After all, the museum is still “half full” of authentic art.

Chanel Announces Plan to Offer “Jersey” Perfume: Legendary French fashion and fragrance house Chanel has created a new perfume called “Jersey,” which they describe as ''relaxed chic with a dash of liberation.'' My God, could this perfume possibly be named after New Jersey? If so, I’m assuming its gonna be referred to as “Chanel No. 2.”

Bill Gates Warns of Pandemic That Could Harm 33 Million: Bill Gates says the U.S. and other world governments are falling short in preparing the world population for the “significant probability of a large modern-day pandemic occurring in our lifetimes.” Gates went on to add that if we don’t contain this treat now, its quite possible the majority of computers worldwide could be using the Mac Operating System instead of Windows in just a few short years.

Scientists Can Now Keep Pig’s Brain Alive Outside Its Body: A team of scientists recently revealed they were able to keep the brain of a pig alive outside of its body for 36 hours after it had been decapitated. I kind of feel sorry for the brain, because when you’re attached to a piece of equipment like that - its hard to get a head in life. Always the optimist, the pig’s brain told friends - “don’t worry, I’ll be bacon my feet in no time.”

Golden State Killer Case Has Implications for Genetic Privacy: The recent arrest of the Golden State Killer, where investigators used the open-source genetic database GEDmatch to explore family trees and see whether any contained matches to DNA samples from the crime scenes, is raising questions about how our genetic information is being used and who has access to it. One thing’s for sure, companies specializing in genetic code research are sure gonna lose a large percentage of their serial killer market.

Amazon Doubles Profits - Then Hikes Prime Membership Fees: After announcing that profits more than doubled in the first quarter, Amazon said they will be hiking their fees of the popular Amazon Prime service by 20% to $119 a year. Profits double and they’re raising their Prime membership fees? Good grief, Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world - just how much more money does need? I’m guessing $127 Billion just doesn’t stretch like it used to - especially when you factor in things like this Amazon Prime rate hike.

Space Agencies Plan to Deliver Mars Rocks to Earth: NASA and ESA have signed a letter of intent that could lead to the first "round trip" to another planet (Mars), where they would retrieve rocks from the Martian surface and then send them back on Earth for study. Yea, like we don’t already have enough rocks here on Earth! How about just following me around while I try and mow the backyard some weekend and then try and tell me Earth needs more damn rocks. And hell, that doesn’t even count all the rocks some of the people I know have piled up in their heads.

Astronomers Find 14 Galaxies About to Collide: Astronomers looked deep into outer space and have discovered at least 14 galaxies about lot crash into each other. In what may be more bad news for the troubled company, many of those colliding galaxies are believed to have been utilizing early versions of Tesla’s self-driving software.

Amazon to Start Offering In-Car Deliveries: In a deal with General Motors Co. and Volvo which will give its couriers access to potentially millions of vehicles in 37 U.S. markets, Amazon announced it will now start delivering packages right to your car. Analysts say this service will be perfect for those busy professionals who are sick and tired of listening to thieves complaining about people who never have anything in their cars worth stealing.

Manhattan Project Scientist George Cowan to be Honored: Nuclear chemist George Cowan, who passed away a few years ago at age 92, is scheduled to be honored for being one of the most influential scientists who worked on the famed Manhattan Project during World War II. He apparently did a pretty good job, because Manhattan turned out to be a very popular place to live.

Knoxville Woman Discovers Dead Body During Easter Egg Hunt: A Knoxville, Tennessee woman made a grisly discovery while she and her 3-year-old son were hunting for Easter eggs in her backyard - when she noticed tennis shoes in the crawl space under her deck and realized it was a dead body. Neighbors advised her that because the body was discovered over the Easter weekend, it might be a good idea to wait about three days before she attempts to bury it.

Michelle Pfeiffer Lived on Tomato Soup and Marlboros for Scarface: During a recent interview, Michelle Pfeiffer revealed that during her career-making role as Elvira Hancock in the 1983 film “Scarface,” she subsisted solely on a diet of “tomato soup and Marlboros” to play the part of the cocaine-addicted character. Are you kidding? She still looks emaciated to me. What the hell is she living on now, 2 cans of soup and only a half pack of cigarettes? For God’s sake, someone get her a frigg'n sandwich!

Study Finds Earth’s Mammals Have Shrunk Dramatically: A new study in the journal “Science” predicts that in a few hundred years, the largest land mammal may very well be the domestic cow - placing the blame squarely on humanity. Yea, well I’m not so sure about that. All I know is - if we keep slamming down Big Macs, fried chicken and pizza at the current pace, it won’t be all that long till many of us end up way bigger than any of those cows they’re talking about.

Single Family Homes on the Decline: As more people in the United States are choosing to live in cities, the predominant housing structure - the single-family home - is expected to experience a significant decline over the next decade. Unfortunately, its beginning to look like many of those “single family homes” are now being replaced by cardboard boxes.

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Germany Opens World's First All Sex Doll Brothel: A bizarre sex-doll brothel named “Bordoll” has just opened in Germany, where patrons pay $101 per hour for a session and brothel management claims 70 percent of their patrons are repeat customers. Good grief, sounds like even more jobs lost to robots. On a positive note, if there’s a flood, these can probably also be used as a floatation device. My only question is, does anyone know what the manufacturer’s recommended PSI for these dolls happens to be?

Mice With Human Brains Created in New Study: Scientists have succeeded in implanting human brain cells into mice pups, which resulted in the animals growing a brain that was both human and rodent which researchers hope may one-day help them better understand how the human brain develops as well as provide replacement parts. Despite having human brains, the mice were still apparently unable to speak and remained mute. Finally, after trying numerous times, frustrated researchers decided to ask - “what’s the matter - cat got your tongue?

Mattel CEO to Step Down After 14 Months: Toy giant Mattel Inc. announced that CEO Margo Georgiadis has informed the board she will be stepping down to pursue a new opportunity in the technology sector. At first, the board didn’t take her resignation seriously, until she finally had to ask them, “what’s it gonna take for you guys to realize I’m not toying around here?”