Politics & Government
North Korea Accuses CIA of Biochemical Plot to Kill Kim Jong-un
A satirical look at current events!
North Korea Accuses CIA of Biochemical Plot to Kill Kim Jong-un: North Korea is accusing the CIA and South Korea of attempting to assassinate Kim Jong-un with unspecified biochemical substances during a public ceremonial event in the capital of Pyongyang. Hell, no need to send someone to assassinate him. Just book him on a United flight.
Old Mississippi State Lunatic Asylum Yields 7,000 Coffins: As many as 7,000 coffins have been found in a 10-acre patch of undeveloped land that once was known as the Mississippi State Lunatic Asylum. Call me crazy, but this place looks like it used the same architect as Mar-a-Lago.
Scientists Think They’ve Found Cause for Gray And Balding Hair: Researchers at The University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center think they’ve figured out why people bald and go gray. Now I’m no scientist, but I’m guessing it’s has something to do with the fact that they’re old.
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New Evidence Raises Questions About How Humans Evolved: The stunning new discovery and dating of fossils of a new species called Homo naledi, which have a curious mix of primitive traits, such as a tiny brain, but modern features including long legs, have caused anthropologists to rethink their concept about how humans have evolved. Hell, forget about Homo naledi, last November’s election alone ought to be enough to make you question how humans have evolved.
Find out what's happening in Malibufor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Trump Appointee Removes Half the Scientists on Key EPA Board: CNN has learned that Trump Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt has dismissed half the scientists who serve on a science review board that plays a crucial role in all the work the EPA does. In their place, Pruitt has decided to appoint a panel of televangelists in line with the Administration’s belief that the most pressing issue we’ll be facing environmentally over the next period will not be unproven liberal hoaxes like global warming, but plagues of locusts - and who could be more qualified than a bunch of TV pastors to call the shots on a locust plague?
Mexico Announces Largest Meth Seizure Ever: Mexican authorities announced their largest methamphetamine seizure ever - 15 tons, found in pure powder form - at a ranch outside Guadalajara. Mexican officials warn that if that much meth ever got into society, it could spell the end of the siesta as we know it.
Rome May Pave Historic Cobblestone So Women Can Wear Heels: Rome Mayor Gianni Alemanno announced a plan to repave many of Rome’s iconic cobblestone streets in order to make it easier for women wearing high heels. In related news, polls say Alemanno is expected to be a “shoe-in” for reelection this year.
Study Finds Botox Could Help Treat Depression: A California study found those who used the anti-wrinkle agent Botox had lower rates of depression. One thing’s for sure, you’re never gonna be able to tell if they’re depressed by the expression on their face.
Florida Passes Bill Making it Easier to Challenge Textbooks: In a move educators fear both targets and censors teaching about evolution and climate change, Florida lawmakers have just passed a bill allowing any resident to demand a hearing over anything they find objectionable in textbooks removed from public schools. Well, in all fairness to the legislators, I don’t think even the most ardent supporter of evolution would claim it applies to the people living in Florida.
Women’s Breast Tissue Ages Faster Than Rest of Her Body: New biological research into aging has found that a woman's breast tissue ages faster than the rest of her body. OK, so let’s say hypothetically a woman is around 40, what’s that work out to in boob-years?
Conservatives Say Dems Lying About Pre-Existing Condition Fears: President Trump and the Republicans are trying to drown out the chorus of doctors, patients and hospital groups who say people with pre-existing medical conditions will be denied access to coverage under the Republican health plan. Oh, they’ll have “access” alright. It may cost them an extra $40K, but who can argue with access? Hell, by that logic, I have “access” to all the new models of Ferraris and Lamborghinis. Didn’t realize how good I had it until Republicans explained Trumpcare.
Facebook to Add 3,000 Moderators in Wake of Murders: Following outrage over recent broadcasts of murders, shootings, rapes and assaults - streamed live on Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg announced that the social network will add 3000 additional people to monitor the situation more closely. Excuse my skepticism, but this just sounds like the murders and assaults are now have 3000 more viewers.
Bieber Ringtone Saves Russian Fisherman From Bear Attack: A 42-year-old Russian fisherman says he was attacked from behind by a brown bear and that the only thing that saved him was his ringtone of Justin Bieber’s hit song “Baby” suddenly went off, startling the bear and causing it to run away. There you have it, conclusive proof the Bieber's music is simply “unbearable.”
Trump Angry Fake Media Doesn't Report His Long List of Achievements: President Donald Trump has once gain taken to Twitter to complain about the “fake media” ignoring all of his “long list of achievements.” Maybe they just assumed most people already knew about all his bankruptcies, failed and fraudulent business ventures, multiple divorces and weekend golf outings. Or, maybe they’re concerned that everyone will eventually become tired of all this winning.
Forty Pythons Seized from Ontario Motel: Local police are reporting that 40 pythons have been seized in a Brantford, Ontario motel by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. Makes you wonder what kind of sick person would force a bunch of poor pythons to stay in some cheap motel? They deserve better accommodations. No doubt all the room service requests for live field mice triggered hotel staff’s suspicions.
Video Captures Delta Pilot Smacking Woman to Break Up Fight: In yet another air confrontation, Delta Airlines is defending one of its pilots who was caught on video smacking a female passenger in the arm who was involved in a brawl with another female passenger. Now I’m no doctor, but it sounds like a serious case of Post Departure Depression if you ask me.
Alt-Right Reporters Make White Supremacist Signs in White House: Two ultra-conservative journalists have sparked outcry on social media by making what some consider white supremacist hand symbols during a recent visit to the White House shortly after receiving their press passes. An administration spokesperson defended the gestures by pointing out that after all, the place is called the "White House.”
Music Teacher Caught Selling Tubas for Heroin: A Nunda, N.Y. music teacher pulled over by police with a tuba in her backseat admitted to stealing more than 50 instruments from her school district and selling them to buy heroin. Wow, this woman’s life has gone right down the tubas. Now, she’ll have to face the music.
